Monday, February 14, 2011

Music Monday

"Music Monday"
Welcome to my first ever "Music Monday". Today, I thought I would start with the first song that is on my playlist, "I Will Show You Love". This song was written and is sung by Kendall Payne. I first heard about her through a DVD put together by Living Water. We heard this amazing song at the end that we had never heard before. We waited for the credits to roll and found it was sung by Kendall Payne. I had never heard of her before, but quickly became a fan. Her writing is thought provoking, challenging, encouraging, fun, and filled with truth. I like her voice as well. She is overall just a great artist. Below you will find the words to "I Will Show You Love".
I Will Show You Love


I will show you love like you’ve never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word


You will come alive again and call the trying times your friend
The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you
You will hope in something real that won’t depend on how you feel
When you call my name then I will answer, answer


I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith
You were on my mind when the world was made
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child


Walk out on the water where you have no control
So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go


You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are
Now looking back you see that I have always been there


Where you gonna hide? Where you gonna hide from Me?
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go that I can’t see?


I have heard you cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end there is still a hope
I found this song as I was looking for music for my playlist. I typed in her name, because I love her music. This song speaks so much truth, and I can relate to it in many ways. I have felt a love like no other from God and what Jesus did for me on the cross. I have been rescued from numerous pits along this journey of life. 2 1/2 years ago, my marriage was ravaged by sin in the form of pornography. This is devastating to a woman, because the message it sends you, that "I am not good enough", leaves you dead inside. The pain was so great that I found myself trying to become numb just to survive. Throw in normal hurts and wounds from life in general, and I felt that I would never live again, that a part of me had died, never to come alive again. As the Other Nut and I worked our way back from this pit, trying to restore trust in our marriage (I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him), there was still always a part of me that felt dead. I found myself always wondering if today would be the day that he slipped up, that he had done it again. Living like that isn't really living.

In August of 2009, I got sick and found out I had Lyme disease that affected me neurologically. And then in September of 2009, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. My brain had had enough.  It was tired of being rational, trying to sort through so much junk. My ability to think clearly, not be fearful, and trust had flown out the window. Panic Disorder is a ruthless disease, for panic doesn't care. It has no remorse for your pain and struggles. At least the Other Nut had remorse and was broken before God for what our marriage had become (I am so greatful the Other Nut loves God). Needless to say, I was breathing, but didn't feel very alive. Some days, I truly felt like the pain would get the best of me.

And yet, there were more days that I knew I would make it. I had friends there to help me, but most importantly, I had Jesus there right in the pit with me. That is what He loves to do-get in the pit with us so He can show us the way out. He proved that when He went to the cross. Knowing that Jesus was in the pit with me brought hope even when my feelings were anything but hopeful. It was a scary place to be; and yet, good things did happen in the pit. If we let Him, Jesus uses all things in our life to refine us, to make us more like Him. He used all of the pain and heartache to crack open part of my nutcase I had put on throughout my life. If you have ever tried to crack open a pecan or walnut, you know it takes pressure. Cracking us open isn't going to be easy-it is going to take pressure, pressure that can and will come in many different forms. One thing I needed to realize was that I had put too much faith in the Other Nut. I had looked to him for the love that only God can provide. In many ways, I had put him on the throne, and God wanted His rightful place back.

Winds and waves were beating against my faith, and the enemy was hoping to see me drown. Anxiety was taking control of my every thought. One morning, I ended up in the ER so full of anxiety, I couldn't control my body. I remember realizing so vividly at that moment that I had no one to trust but God. I had to trust Him and allow Him, through others, to take care of me, because I was completely unable to control or take care of myself. That is a very scary place to be, while at the same time, exactly where God wants us-realizing that only He is in control and deserves our trust. That was a moment of walking out on the water.

Beginning to trust the Other Nut completely was also a moment of walking out on the water, because what if; what if he failed me again? Wouldn't that mean that somehow I had failed as well again? Once again, I wouldn't be pretty enough or good enough. But that would be sacrificing my soul, sacrificing the marriage that God intends for me and that the Other Nut so badly wanted restored, sacrificing really living; so I had to let my fear go and love without holding back.

Please don't get me wrong-it took a long time to regain trust. This section was my life for quite a while-

You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are
Now looking back you see that I have always been there

But the whole section was my life-including the part about heartaches making us who we are and looking back. The heartache from this time of my life has shaped me, and I would say for the better. This heartache allowed some cracking to go on. And looking back, I can see that Jesus was in control the whole time, and He was always there. If He hadn't been, I would have never made it. I wouldn't be able to say today that I have come alive again,  or that my marriage is restored and alive again. I wouldn't be able to say that the Other Nut and I are more in love now than before, and that we understand our vows better now than when we said them 13 years ago. The pain didn't get the best of either one of us. That is not to say that the enemy doesn't try to use the past to scare me. He for sure does. Something will happen, or I will see something that takes me back to that place-I can remember it just like it was yesterday. But. But, I will say, that I do want to remember. I want to remember, because I never want to forget where Jesus has brought us; what Jesus has done for us. The grace of God washed over our marriage.

I don't know what uphill road you are walking or what pit you might be in, but I do know that Jesus is right there. I do know that if you call out to Him to be your Savior, He will answer. And I do know that we can't hide from Him. Trust me, I tried that a couple of times during my uphill journey out of my pit. We shouldn't hide from Him though, because He is our only hope in this journey called life-not our husbands, friends, prestige, accomplishments, or money. Nothing other than Jesus will bring the hope we need to truly live. Jesus hears your cries the same way He heard mine. Sometimes we need only to stop fighting Him to realize it.

Love, the Nutcase that has come alive again and truly living-all thanks to Jesus the Nutcracker.

1 comment:

Other Nut said...

you amaze me. i love you.

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