Saturday, March 5, 2011
Struggling and being Cracked
Today, I am struggling. I am struggling with different things as I realize how whiny and immature I can be. I am frustrated at where I am at currently in my quest to get better. I am sick of sitting on this couch with absolutely no energy as things go on around me and things need to get done. I have some other medical issues right now that I won't go into detail on, but let's just say that together with the flu and bronchitis, it has made for a perfect storm. No wonder I am exhausted and can't seem to get back to 100%!
My ugliness is staring me in the face right now as I realize that I don't suffer well. The sad thing is that to so many people, what I am going through isn't really suffering. Many people would gladly take my place right now, even with the medical things I have. And yet, I sit here feeling sorry for myself, feeling separated from society in some ways.
It seems that everywhere I turn, someone is adopting, and I can't even be patient right now with my own 3 children. My house is a wreck; you know the kind that you figure you should just sell it as is and start over. I couldn't imagine adding another child to the mix; and yet, it seems that I am constantly reminded that as Christians, we should be adopting the orphans of the world. Told you I was whiny.
The thing is there was someone that I wanted to add to our family. I was so hopeful. The Other Nut and I even knew where we would add extra walls to make another room, but it didn't happen. I was surprisingly so very disappointed. I had to realize that God was in control, and He just wasn't allowing it to happen. And His plan is the best plan. Mine is just that-mine; and according to my track record, my plans don't usually work out very well.
But my heart isn't towards adopting from another country at least not right now. It was towards someone else. And it still is. But I feel guilty about that to some degree. Kind of a "everyone else is doing it" feeling. This is when I remember what my counselor taught me-"You can't compare your internals to other's externals, because you will never match up. Your internals will always fall short of other's externals." And right now, my internals could never catch up, because they are pretty stinky. Feelings aren't always accurate. What I perceive isn't always accurate. What God has for my family isn't going to look exactly like family A, B, or C.
This is also when I remember that Jesus is a Nutcracker, but not just any Nutcracker. He is the perfect, patient Nutcracker, knowing exactly when to apply pressure to start the cracking process. He knows exactly how long I can handle the pressure, and He knows when to allow me to rest. He loves me just the same even when I resist the process. He loves me even with my ugliness and immaturity. He loves me even when I am pouting on the couch and not suffering well. And He loves me enough not to waste this moment to teach me, to work on cracking this nutcase open.
And so I sit here being cracked. I sit here trying to see exactly where I need to be cracked so I don't miss the opportunity. Ironically, I also sit here partly resisting, because the cracking process can be painful. It takes a lot pressure to crack open a nutcase. And I don't always want to deal with my ugliness right away. I want to have some time to pout and whine. The ugliness in me feels like I deserve at least some amount of time. The ugliness in me also deserves a lot more than I get, because Jesus is merciful.
So this is where I'm at today. Not pretty, but true. I am so thankful that Jesus is a Nutcracker, because I've got a lot of cracking that needs to be done.