Monday, April 4, 2011

voices in my head-part 2

I firmly believe that Jesus is the only One that can truly heal us emotionally, physically, and spiritually, but I also believe that He often chooses to use others to accomplish this (if you know me, you might know that I truly believe in counseling). And I love that Jesus allows us to be a part of His plan to provide healing to others; someone says something that really speaks to us, something that we really needed to hear, and then the Holy Spirit begins to work in our lives as we think about what was said. He begins to speak truth to us out of these words. Often times, they are just simple words, words that without the Holy Spirit, they might not do much.

This particular day, the Other Nut said something that really made me stop and think. It had been about a year after the pornography event, for lack of a better term. We were doing much better, but trust was still an issue-trusting him with my body, feelings and thoughts-just trusting him in general . I was still in counseling and still struggling with my belief about myself. The voices were still there, but now they had more ammunition-"You don't look like those girls. He probably is repulsed by your body and looks." I hated those voices.

One day I decided to let my guard down a little so I was talking with the Other Nut about this journey, this struggle, my hatred of my body and looks and in the middle of the conversation he said this-"When will it be OK to show signs of aging? When will it be OK to get older?"

Words so simple, but with the Holy Spirit, words that made an impact. Ordinary words, but an extraordinary God. I found myself really thinking about these words. When would it be OK for me show signs of aging? When would it be OK to get older? Well, the answer was simple. Never. It wasn't OK for me to look older, for my body to not be perfect, to have wrinkles or saggy skin. It was OK for other people, but not for me. But why? Why was it not OK for me to look older or not look perfect?

I realized emotionally, I was so tired of fighting those thoughts. They had worn me down even more than I knew. I realized that sometimes, often times, I didn't fight back, because I had come to accept them as truth. I remember standing there that day looking in the mirror and just thinking-a large part of me wanted to be better, healthier, and not carry around these thoughts, but how? It seemed overwhelming-even with being in counseling. I mean, how do you remove a part of you without it being painful?

Well, the answer is-you don't. The process was painful, and it took a lot of fighting and soul searching. It took a lot of hours on my knees asking Jesus to please reveal the truth. It took many hours in counseling to realize that I was OK.

If someone asked me to write step-by-step instructions on what I did to get to that point, I couldn't. Everything seemed to run all together. I just remember having to wake up each morning and make a decision. I had to make a decision that "today I'm going to fight." I couldn't worry about the day before, and I couldn't worry about the next day. I had to ask Jesus everyday to allow my eyes to see the truth of who I was, of what I looked like. I had to repeat this truth until it became truth to me. I had to stop myself mid sentence and choose to say something nice about myself. I had to choose to trust the Other Nut just for that day. I had to choose to trust that Jesus could make something beautiful out of my pain. And sometimes I had to start over every hour, every minute, sometimes every second. 

And this was part of the cracking process. The miraculous touch of Jesus, going to the depths of my soul where no one or nothing could reach. The voices were found out, exposed for what they really were-LIES FROM THE ENEMY. 
"For you are the children of your father the Devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning and has always hated the truth. There is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44 (NLT)
A new love and acceptance for myself was born, not out of my own strength, but out of the strength of the Holy Spirit who reveals truth to His children.
"Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day." Psalm 25:5 (NASB)
"Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." John 14:6 (NASB)
"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; . . ." John 16:13a

And now? More about that later.


Kara said...

Oh "Ima"...this post drew me to your heart. We walked through this deep specific hurt with some of our closest friends two years ago, but the general battle you're talking about--believing the lies about who we (who I) am or believing God's truth about who we (who I)am in Christ is one that I can so relate to. Stopping to pray for you tonight. Thank you for sharing...

"Ima" said...

Kara-thank you for these sweet words. It was a tough battle to fight, both the specific and the general one, but worth every single tear and scar. Jesus is faithful in restoring the damaged and hurt.

Cheryl said...

I totally hear you loud and clear and I really loved this part:
I had to make a decision that "today I'm going to fight." I couldn't worry about the day before, and I couldn't worry about the next day. I had to ask Jesus everyday to allow my eyes to see the truth of who I was, of what I looked like. I had to repeat this truth until it became truth to me.

Beautiful. I would really recommend Piper's, "When I Don't Desire God." I have blogged about it, and it is really helpful!

"Ima" said...

Cheryl-thank you. Thanks for the book suggestion. You can't ever have too many good books. I think I'll check it out.

Anna said...

Those lies!! The enemy seeks to destroy and he uses those lies as a weapon. Although I can't identify with your specific story, I can identify very well with lies. So happy that you're finding truth and identity in Christ. Thanks for sharing your story, and look forward to the rest.

emily wierenga said...

amen, sister. keep sharing the truth... you are beautiful.

"Ima" said...

Anna-thanks! Me too-to be finding truth in Christ, because the lies stay around-lurking in the background, looking for a crack to get in. They are quite pesky. I'm looking forward to blogging about the rest of the story-hopefully soon:)

Emily-thanks again. And you are beautiful too:)

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