In and out. In and out. I'm watching my son breathe as he lies on the couch. He is sleeping really deep, so deep I can hear him breathing. My house is really quiet. I struggle between nurse and mommy. I try to not count his respirations-the doctor said it wasn't needed. When he wakes to change positions, he gets startled coming out of his deep sleep. He acts a little unsure of his surroundings and doesn't talk very clear-he's so tired. I ask him if he needs to go to the bathroom, he says "I don't know," and rolls back over. I am aware of my constant need to battle against my anxiety so I pray a lot.
He went to the dentist today which required conscious sedation. Not my favorite thing to do to say the least. Last time didn't go so well. All things considered, today went great. I was so proud of my little guy. I know it was scary for him, but he did it. We prayed together before and then during, he wanted to listen to tobyMac. Every once in a while, he would do a little funny movement, and I would get a little startled. Turns out he was trying to dance while sedated. Praise God for tobyMac.
As I watch him sleep, fighting off my worry, trying not to be to "nursey" (I know that is not a word, but it is now), and praying to Jesus, I find myself thinking about Mary, mother of Jesus.
Yes, her Son was Jesus, but she was still a mother. When Jesus got sick, how did she handle it? Did she realize that she was praying to the very One she was praying for? Did she struggle with worry over her Son? When she worried, did Jesus, even at a young age, remind His mom that she needn't worry? After all, He was and is in control ("And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17 NASB).
If Mary were to talk to us today, would she get us? Would she relate to our struggles as moms, the struggles that span the generations? I wonder if she had days that she wanted to just scream and pull her hair out, because she felt overwhelmed by the demands of being a mom. I wonder how many times she had to tell Jesus to "please pick up your clothes." Did she have moments that she felt inadequate as a mother even though God chose her to be the mother of the Messiah?
I know she understood, more than any other mother, the feeling of having your heart ripped out as you watch your child suffer. She watched her Son suffer, all the while being undeserving of the suffering He was receiving. I bet everything in her as a mother wanted to make it all go away, to take His place-but she couldn't. In her inability to save Him, she herself was saved.
My son is awake now and more alert. But I still watch closely going between nurse and mommy.
And as a child of Jesus, I still wonder-"what was it like to be Mary, the mother of Jesus?"