Tuesday, April 5, 2011

It's Up to Me

As Mother's Day nears, I find myself excited. Not because I get presents or honored that day, but because of what Jesus has done in my life. You see, Mother's Day has always been a hard day for me for various reasons. My Granny died on Mother's Day and when I became a mother at first, I never really felt like one on Mother's Day. I could never figure out where I fit in on that day-my kids were too young to even know, but at the same time I wanted to feel special and honored that day. Needless to say, Mother's Day just wasn't my favorite holiday. Mother's Day 2008 pretty much shattered any hopes of me ever liking it. It was one of the darkest days I have experienced. We went to Kemah with both sides of the family to celebrate, but in my immediate family there was no celebrating. Quite frankly, the Other Nut was just plain nasty towards me. I remember thinking something seemed wrong, but didn't want to admit it-he had never treated me this way before. There was no acknowledgment of me being the mother of his children. There were only hurtful words and emotional absence. The day ended with him not wanting to talk or spend time with me, and me falling asleep on the couch with new wounds. The Other Nut spent the rest of the night on the computer. I share some of the details not to bash my husband or talk bad about him. I share them to truly express the reality of the situation. If you have walked this path, I understand the pain. I share them so that you will know the depth of the pain Jesus healed and restored; and in that deeper understanding, praise Him all the more.

It would be 4 days later, May 15th, before I found out what was going on. My husband wasn't in a good place and was being destroyed by the reality of pornography. It had begun to show it's affects and was digging it's claws into him. I remember the moment I realized why he was the computer the night of Mother's Day while I slept on the couch. Sickness and sadness washed over me. I never wanted to celebrate Mother's Day again. I wanted to act like it didn't even exist. I felt the same way about May 15th.

A year later, I did just that. I didn't want the Other Nut to acknowledge either day. I didn't want a card or a present for Mother's Day. I wanted to crawl in bed and sleep, not waking up until May 16th.

Fast forward to the following year. I figured this was the year to face it. I had been in counseling for 2 years, and the kids really wanted to celebrate. I was ready to stand strong and move ahead. And then the day came. I had a complete meltdown and acted like a fool. I couldn't face it like I thought I could, and I don't really know why. Maybe I got my hopes up that it was going to be easy. I ended up crying hysterically and laid in bed all day. Sounds like a baby doesn't it? But the pain was so deep, sometimes hiding in the depths of my soul, coming out at unexpected moments. A few days later, I ignored May 15th like the plague. 

As the dust settled and the tears dried up, I found myself processing what happened. I really didn't want another year to be like this, and I thought the Other Nut was the one to change that. I wanted the Other Nut to make it up to me. I figured if he would do a redo of those horrible 2 days then I could move forward. I wanted 2 days that were all about me. I figured I had earned it. I was just waiting for him to follow through.

But Jesus was waiting on me. He is good at that. You see, it wasn't all about me, but it was all up to me.

For now though, I have to get my kids from school. Check back later for the rest of the story.


Kara said...

When our friends (that I mentioned in a previous comment) renewed their vows last year...we gave them a print that says:
"He makes all things new"
This is a beautiful tribute to our God who can redeem.

"Ima" said...

Kara-I am so excited to hear your friends renewed their vows. This hurt has destroyed many marriages. The Other Nut and I renewed ours on Dec. 27 of last year as well. It was so beautiful-the vows meant so much more.
Our saying is "Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be." We have that in our bedroom in 2 places. I will share more about that on May 15th! God does redeem.

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