Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Down for the Count

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Here at the Nutcase house, I feel like I'm adding a nutcase faster than Jesus can crack one open. It's rough over here, like there's something in the air. It's like WWF tag team-and this referee is tired, physically and emotionally.

"Get back in your corner! Stop yelling. Stop fighting. Please, can't you all be nice to one another?"

I stayed in the fight, not giving up. "We can do this," I thought, "we will make it through. Maybe it's just because it's the end of the school year."

This referee wasn't going down without a fight. Besides, these trials were building character and patience in the kids and me. We had even started to work on looking at things half-full, not half-empty.

But then the weekend came, and the Other Nut got sick. I was on my own, but have no fear, because I. can. do. this. Saturday, I refereed with the best of 'em and put the kids to work. Success! One point for the mommy!

And then Sunday morning rolled around, or more accurately, it hit me up side the head. I realized I needed back-up fast. This referee was going down for the count, and I didn't feel like I would get up before the 10 seconds was over. Quite frankly, I was tired of the bickering, the disrespect, the "I shouldn't have to tell you again" moments.

I was beginning to fight the "where have I gone wrong", "man, I'm a horrible mother" thoughts. The realization that they probably learned these wonderful character traits and talking back from me was the final blow. 

I could just hear the announcer saying, "and now, the worst mother of the year award goes to, Ima Nutcase, because she really is a nutcase!" So in my state of discouragement, I reached for encouragement, an "it's going to be OK" back-up from the Other Nut-and I was left with a handful of more discouragement. I did the only logical thing I knew to do at the moment-I found comfort in my bed with discouragement singing me to sleep-and I slept. All. day.

Funny thing though-my kids were instantly nice and respectful to one another, showing love to each other like they hadn't seen each other in months. They played so well together you would have thought they were simply friends. And chores? Well, they did those without any complaining, reminding, and they even helped one another.
And this all left me to wonder-why does it take me getting so discouraged that I crawl in bed feeling defeated to have them behave this way? Actually, don't answer that. I know my actions were completely immature. But that was all I had.

Throw in the fact that the Other Nut and I are having, let's just call them, lively discussions about finances, I'm spent. This weekend was just another reminder of my love-hate relationship with money. Some days I wish we could go back to the barter system, although I know that wouldn't fix it.

Oh, and don't forget to throw in a handful of worry about something else that is weighing heavy on my heart.

Mix this all together, and my patience is short, and my frustration is long. I'm feeling burned out, used up, beat down, and broken in. Disrespected, unappreciated, and discouraged. I don't know about you, but it's not the best place to be. I told my friend that all I feel like is a servant around here.

"At the end of the day, isn't that what we all should be-servants?"

My friend-always full of wisdom. She's right-servants. Isn't that what Jesus came to be and to show us how to be? He served all the way to the Cross, and I don't even want to fully serve for one day.

I have to be honest-I'm not really there yet-you know, this whole "fully serve" thing. I would be lying if I said that I was. I want to feel appreciated. I want my kids to get along even when I don't act like a fool. And I can still hear the announcer calling my name for the worst mother of the year award. I'm still spent. Tonight, I cried big sloppy tears in the Other Nut's arms, and I'm sure I have more to come. But I think crying is good for the soul sometimes.

So tonight, as I sit here with puffy swollen eyes-I'm thankful for a husband that is way better at forgiving than this here nutcase. I'm thankful for Jesus, that He loves me even when I'm so broken. And I'm thankful for undeserved grace.


My daily walk in His grace! said...

Hi Tami. Firstly, thank you for visiting my blog. I really appreciate it. Secondly, I have teenagers and I feel the same way you do. Why do I have to become a monster and end up in tears before they treat me better? Thirdly, the whole serving thing really bugs me sometimes too. I find I can handle it better when I tell myself I'm doing it for Jesus. It helps because you know they probably won't appreciate it anyway! Fourthly, don't be too hard on yourself, you just feel condemned that way. And lastly, I have an awesome scripture for you - Isaiah 58 v 11: The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
God bless
PS: Hope you don't mind if I follow your blog!

Debbie said...

I've been away from the computer for the last few days. I'm glad that I took some time this morning to read some blogs. I read this with such an understanding heart because I can relate to it. I'm at a different stage in the parenting and home growing, and my issues right at the moment might be different, but the feelings you expressed bring a nod of recognition.

I love the words that you put to the whole thing. At the end of the day, I'm just to thankful for grace.

Jen said...

Oh, you are a lovely lady -- baring your heart so that we could all nod in agreement with you. You are doing an amazing job. And, no, I'm not spying on you, but I can tell by your heart -- your desires, that you are doing fabulously, despite the mistakes. If we didn't make mistakes, we wouldn't need grace.

Lisa Maria said...

Tami, I have SO been where you are, too often in my life. As you saw from my blog post of yesterday, I have struggled to show grace. I thank God for teaching and lifting me out of the mire I was in, but its still a struggle! Just yesterday I had an intense session with my two oldest girls (18 & 20). In my efforts to get them to see my viewpoint, as well as fear that the worldly wisdom they had was gaining ground, I forgot to be patient and to show grace to them. On the same day as posting my article on grace! :-( Sometimes I feel like I will never be who He wants me to be, but we get up and we keep trying right? Thank God for His grace indeed.. Amen!

Joybird said...

Oh, Ima, whooo, that sounds like a long hard week. I'm a little bushed from a 5 minute no you can't...yes, I can with a 9 year old (babysitting). Hugs, cause that's usually my first comfort. And then remember that Jesus sees you where you are, the totality of your situation even the nooks and crannies hidden from your own sight and He doesn't not give you the worst mother of the year award. And finally some wisdom from Anne, "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it...yet."

"Ima" said...

Tracy-thanks for your sweet comment. Encouragement is so soul soothing. Love the verse you left me-thanks!

Debbie-thanks for your encouragement as well. So thankful you read that morning. Grace is wonderful isn't it?

Jen-as always, thank you too. It is nice to hear that someone feels you are doing a good job parenting, because quite frankly sometimes we feel that we aren't doing a good job. But you are right-if we didn't mess up, we wouldn't need grace.
And thanks for the link-that happened to be my sister-in-law. That still cracks me up-my husband thought that was so funny-such a small world indeed.

Lisa Maria-thanks friend. Oh-grace! So thankful for it and yet so hard to show sometimes. I feel like I have to start over everyday with the whole showing grace thing. Why can't I get this thing right? But yet, like you said, we keep getting up and try again.

Joybird-so thankful for your "hug". I love hugs. Loved your comment "Jesus sees you where you are, the totality of your situation even the nooks and crannies hidden from your own sight"-beautiful reminder. thank you!

p.s. Can anyone tell I'm totally playing catch up-again?:)

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