Monday, June 20, 2011

Afraid To Ask

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As we drove down I-10 towards San Antonio, we did what we always do on road trips; we talked. This is the main reason I love road trips. The Other Nut and I have had some great conversations in the car. If I had a penny for every time we have missed a turn due to our talking, I would be rich.

This time, as we drove down I-10, it wasn't any different. As we were talking though, I realized that I had a question I wanted to ask him, THE question; the question that I ask sometimes, but only when I get up enough nerve and brace myself for the answer.

I realized the question had been floating around in the back of my mind lately. He had been working on some things that required him to use the computer, sometimes late at night. A few nights in a row, I had fallen asleep from my exhaustion with him still on the computer working on bills and such.

And in the back of my mind, worry grew. It brought back memories from the deep hurt of pornography; nights where he would spend on the computer while I slept on the couch, oblivious to the deep pit around me.

Our computer has a great filtering/accountability program on it now, but even the thought of temptation scares me. Sitting at the computer, a situation similar; would it trigger something and draw him in?

That's the thing with pornography. It can draw you in before you fully realize it, and certain things can trigger the temptation, things that might even seem insignificant.

And so the question lingered in my mind-"Are you doing OK?"

But I was afraid to ask, unsure of what the answer might be. It's not that the Other Nut has done anything lately to make me think the answer would  be bad. It's just that I think I will always hold my breath a little when I ask that question. Part of me wants to be prepared for the blow.

To be honest though, I never got the question out. I fumbled around enough that the Other Nut knew what I wanted to ask. And so he asked for me.

"Am I doing OK? Yes, sweetheart, I am. I'm doing fine." His words were tender, but I didn't want to look at him so I looked straight ahead. Would his eyes tell me anything different? I was afraid to look.

But he wanted me to, because he wanted me to know that his heart matched his words.

"Yes, sweetheart. I'm doing fine. It's OK."  And a slip of the hand to hold mine happened with a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

So much is spoken on a road trip.





 

23 comments:

Michelle said...

Thank you for sharing this. I'm blown away by your authenticity. Sometimes those questions we need to ask and fear to ask are the questions they are asking us to ask.

My daily walk in His grace! said...

Hi Tami. You are very brave to express your heart so openly and I thank God for you. Its good your husband was sensitive to your spirit.
God bless
Tracy

Lisa Maria said...

This really spoke to me Tami.. I've got the same feelings.. scared to ask, afraid of the consequences of asking. Fear is always trying to bind me, its a constant struggle. How sweet your husband is though. This weekend I pretty much did what you did.. I hated myself for doing it because I see how he descends into that dark place just for being reminded. I know he thinks because I have moments like those, that it means I will never be ok. Thank God for grace!

Thank you for sharing your heart.. you know there are people out there who are grateful!

Love & Hugs

Debbie said...

Huge hugs from me to you. This was so tender that I have tears in my eyes right now. You have a tremendous testimony. It's not one you would have signed up for, but you and your husband glorify the LORD in so many ways through it. May you be richly blessed in return.

Thanking God with you for that husband of yours.

Jen said...

Oh girl, you know when I read those words about being afraid to ask -- I knew what it was all about. So thankful for the words your husband spoke and the heart behind them. I know this journey -- thank you for sharing YOUR heart.

Amy Sullivan said...

Brave, brave girl. Brave, brave girl.

Joywriter said...

Bless you. Bless him.

"Ima" said...

Hey Tracy-thank you. I do have a husband who is so sensitive to my feelings and fears. I pray that I always remember that :)

Lisa Maria-this whole fear thing-it is a constant struggle isn't it? It is a hard question for me to ask, for me and him. I pray that your weekend turned out OK, and I know that with God's grace, one day we will be OK. We may never forget, but we will be OK.

"Ima" said...

Debbie-oh friend, thanks for your sweet comment. You are right-I wouldn't have signed up, but it is my story so hopefully I will tell it well to God's glory. And yes, I have a wonderful husband that God blessed me with :) I think I just might go give him a kiss now.

"Ima" said...

Jen-I knew you would understand this post. That question is never easy is it? Thank you for your sweet comments.

Amy-thank you for reading and the encouragement. Some days I don't feel so brave, but thankfully God has gotten me through. I am often amazed at how far God has brought the Other Nut and I.

"Ima" said...

Jan-thank you. The encouragement from blogworld has been so wonderful.

happygirl said...

You are so brave and your other nut (now I'm thinking about nuts) sounds like he's open. My hubby is a recovering alcoholic. Talking about it takes the taboo out of it. Good for you.

lori said...

Wow, what a tender moment you allowed us to enter with you. Beautifully told, too.

april said...

You made my heart ache...Just last night, on our second anniversary, I told my husband that I hadn't asked him a certain question because I was afraid of the answer. Much like you. Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable...may you know healing and strength because of it! (found you at imperfect prose)

alittlebitograce said...

We love to talk on road trips too. Like you, I wanted to ask my hubby the same question, but was scared. Then I got worried and just asked, repeatedly to make sure. We're working on the trust part here.

Thanks for being honest. It helps to know that I'm not alone in the journey.

emily wierenga said...

If I had a penny for every time we have missed a turn due to our talking, I would be rich.

oh friend. keep these conversations happening... and you cannot fail. thank you for your tender honesty.

life or something like it said...

thanks for your honesty. My husband and I also love road trips for the same reason. So much has been spoken and unwoven while traveling.

"Ima" said...

happygirl-thanks for reading. my blog does make you think about nuts doesn't it? my 2 favorites are almonds and pecan, especially when the pecans are in pie form (and now I want pecan pie). thanks for sharing part of your story also. yes, i agree-talking about it does something beautiful. i wish the church would talk more about pornography and the damage it does. i'm hoping the other nut and i can help change that :)

"Ima" said...

April-thanks for stopping by and sharing. There are some questions that are just hard to ask aren't there? The answers sometimes are not what we want. Looking forward to looking through your blog some more. Glad you stopped by.

alittlebitofgrace-oh the trust part. there are still some days that my trust is weaker, but they are fewer between, praise God! And I have done the repeated asking thing as well-sometimes I just need the reassurance. I'm, too, glad to know I'm not alone in the journey. Something about that just helps. Thanks for stopping by.

"Ima" said...

Thanks Emily-for your comments, your writing, and for hosting imperfect prose where we can all share our journey together. What a blessing.

Melissa-thanks for reading. Road trips-they do something for a relationship don't they? Blessings to you for many more road trips with your husband.

Anna said...

Ima, thanks for sharing this moment and for your honesty, and thankful to hear his heart matched his words. :) Lovely moment on your journey.

"Ima" said...

Thanks Anna. Me too! I was so glad, although scared to look, that his heart matched his words. He truly does have a wonderful, kind heart, and I'm thankful it loves me.

GLENDA CHILDERS said...

I often "stink" at asking the hard questions or say the hard thing. And when I do, I fumble and ask them in a real stupid way. I have been working hard for about 5 years on emotional honesty. And my husband is so sweet . . . he listens well, while I fumble.I love that.

Fondly,
Glenda

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