This time, as we drove down I-10, it wasn't any different. As we were talking though, I realized that I had a question I wanted to ask him, THE question; the question that I ask sometimes, but only when I get up enough nerve and brace myself for the answer.
I realized the question had been floating around in the back of my mind lately. He had been working on some things that required him to use the computer, sometimes late at night. A few nights in a row, I had fallen asleep from my exhaustion with him still on the computer working on bills and such.
Our computer has a great filtering/accountability program on it now, but even the thought of temptation scares me. Sitting at the computer, a situation similar; would it trigger something and draw him in?
But I was afraid to ask, unsure of what the answer might be. It's not that the Other Nut has done anything lately to make me think the answer would be bad. It's just that I think I will always hold my breath a little when I ask that question. Part of me wants to be prepared for the blow.
To be honest though, I never got the question out. I fumbled around enough that the Other Nut knew what I wanted to ask. And so he asked for me.
"Am I doing OK? Yes, sweetheart, I am. I'm doing fine." His words were tender, but I didn't want to look at him so I looked straight ahead. Would his eyes tell me anything different? I was afraid to look.
But he wanted me to, because he wanted me to know that his heart matched his words.
"Yes, sweetheart. I'm doing fine. It's OK." And a slip of the hand to hold mine happened with a gentle squeeze of reassurance.
So much is spoken on a road trip.