I hate anxiety. It keeps me awake. All these beeps going off make me jump everytime. Have I mentioned that I don't like monitors? Her heart monitor just went off, because her rate went below 60, but she was sleeping. I wonder how many times it does that at home, but we don't have a monitor. My heart rate goes into the 40's when I sleep, and my cardiologist thinks that is wonderful. I wonder if that is why I don't get up very well in the morning-my heart has to pick up speed after slowing down so much. Kidding! Sort of :)
But give me some beeping monitors, and my heart rate is probably at 140. Pitiful, I know, but it just is. I used to be such an adventurous kid, never worried about much of anything. And I had my fair share of the hospital. I was a tomboy so I was always getting hurt. I got hurt so often that the CPS started questioning my parents.
I often wonder what happened to that adventurous little girl. It is just a matter of she grew up and became a mommy? Was it nursing school that sealed the deal? How much is my Lyme disease connected with my anxiety?
And then I think about my faith. Is my faith really this weak? Is that the whole issue surrounding my panic disorder? I know it has some to do with that; my anxiety connected to a lack of faith. My anxiety pretty much centers around medical issues, especially with my children. I still get it with myself and the Other Nut, but it is more intense with my children. I just have a great fear of losing any of my children. It seems completely unnatural for a parent to lose a child, and yet it happens everyday. My heart aches when I hear about a mommy losing her child. It has become my worst fear, and at times like this, that fear beats me up.
I wonder what it does to Jesus' reputation. What does my anxiety say about Him? Does it say that He can't handle everything? Does it say that really His plan isn't the best? Because, to be honest, I have a hard time reconciling in my head that losing a child is the best plan for anyone. Sometimes I read a blog about this very thing, and sit with so many questions that I can't ever answer. I don't understand it at all. But through reading these blogs, I am always amazed at the faith that is woven throughout, the total trust in Jesus, and the ability to still say that God is good. It is a faith that amazes me, and one that I wonder if I have. As I sit here with anxiety, I think I know the answer, and it pains me.
Don't get me wrong; I'm pretty sure these mommy's would never choose that path. I hope I'm not speaking out of line, because I know I have never walked that path. I'm speaking from a mommy's heart in saying that. But, I do think that even though they would never choose that path, they have walked it well, and that Jesus has been praised through their journey. You can't read their words and not be changed and humbled at their faith.
I think about Abraham, and his faith as he was prepared to sacrifice his only son, the son he had waited so long for. To be honest, as a mommy, I don't understand that amount of faith; a faith that obviously knew that no matter what, God was good; a faith that knew that God would somehow provide, somehow come through; a faith that lead to an obedience that most parent's probably can't quite grasp.
I want that type of faith. Or do I? To get that type of faith, what am I willing to sacrifice? What am I willing to lay down on the altar? Am I willing to walk any road that Jesus has for me, a road that would build that type of faith, bringing me that much closer to being like Him? Right now, sitting in a hospital with my little Hazelnut, I'm not sure I am if it involves my children. Have I mentioned that I hate anxiety?