Sunday, July 31, 2011

I Hate Anxiety

I hate anxiety. It keeps me awake. All these beeps going off make me jump everytime. Have I mentioned that I don't like monitors? Her heart monitor just went off, because her rate went below 60, but she was sleeping. I wonder how many times it does that at home, but we don't have a monitor. My heart rate goes into the 40's when I sleep, and my cardiologist thinks that is wonderful. I wonder if that is why I don't get up very well in the morning-my heart has to pick up speed after slowing down so much. Kidding! Sort of :)

But give me some beeping monitors, and my heart rate is probably at 140. Pitiful, I know, but it just is. I used to be such an adventurous kid, never worried about much of anything. And I had my fair share of the hospital. I was a tomboy so I was always getting hurt. I got hurt so often that the CPS started questioning my parents.

I often wonder what happened to that adventurous little girl. It is just a matter of she grew up and became a mommy? Was it nursing school that sealed the deal? How much is my Lyme disease connected with my anxiety?

And then I think about my faith. Is my faith really this weak? Is that the whole issue surrounding my panic disorder? I know it has some to do with that; my anxiety connected to a lack of faith. My anxiety pretty much centers around medical issues, especially with my children. I still get it with myself and the Other Nut, but it is more intense with my children. I just have a great fear of losing any of my children. It seems completely unnatural for a parent to lose a child, and yet it happens everyday. My heart aches when I hear about a mommy losing her child. It has become my worst fear, and at times like this, that fear beats me up.

I wonder what it does to Jesus' reputation. What does my anxiety say about Him? Does it say that He can't handle everything? Does it say that really His plan isn't the best? Because, to be honest, I have a hard time reconciling in my head that losing a child is the best plan for anyone. Sometimes I read a blog about this very thing, and sit with so many questions that I can't ever answer. I don't understand it at all. But through reading these blogs, I am always amazed at the faith that is woven throughout, the total trust in Jesus, and the ability to still say that God is good. It is a faith that amazes me, and one that I wonder if I have. As I sit here with anxiety, I think I know the answer, and it pains me.

Don't get me wrong; I'm pretty sure these mommy's would never choose that path. I hope I'm not speaking out of line, because I know I have never walked that path. I'm speaking from a mommy's heart in saying that. But, I do think that even though they would never choose that path, they have walked it well, and that Jesus has been praised through their journey. You can't read their words and not be changed and humbled at their faith.

I think about Abraham, and his faith as he was prepared to sacrifice his only son, the son he had waited so long for. To be honest, as a mommy, I don't understand that amount of faith; a faith that obviously knew that no matter what, God was good; a faith that knew that God would somehow provide, somehow come through; a faith that lead to an obedience that most parent's probably can't quite grasp.

I want that type of faith. Or do I? To get that type of faith, what am I willing to sacrifice? What am I willing to lay down on the altar? Am I willing to walk any road that Jesus has for me, a road that would build that type of faith, bringing me that much closer to being like Him? Right now, sitting in a hospital with my little Hazelnut, I'm not sure I am if it involves my children. Have I mentioned that I hate anxiety?


Sarah said...

Praying for you and your family. My baby was in the hospital for 2 weeks then 2 months (first for failure to thrive, then cardiac issues) at the beginning of this year and had to have heart surgery (so I totally get the heart monitor worries about sleeping and such) towards the end of the second stay. She wasn't gaining any weight (maybe got to 9 pounds by surgery when she was 6 months old, so I really had thoughts that she wouldn't make it) and wouldn't tolerate any formulas, and couldn't latch because she has a cleft palate too. It's been a rough journey with her, but coming out of some of it I see some of the blessings I couldn't see in the midst of it. I just had to finally give her to God and remember that He loves her more than I ever could and has wonderful things planned for her life, no matter how short she may be here. He works all thing for his glory and for good if we allow him in, even the yucky things. Anxiety is no fun, I have had major issues with it over the last 5 years especially. Letting God have pieces is really scary, but one day I hope to hand him the last piece and fully be done with holding on to my doubt and worry that he knows what he's doing.

Lisa Maria said...

Oh Tami.. my heart aches for you today. What words can I say? I think that God knows a mother's heart.. he built us with that protective and anxious heart for our children's safety and well-being. Like you, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, the anxiety of wondering what's next and the fear. I've been lucky, none of my children has ever been hospitalized (unless you count dental procedures done).

Letting go of them as they grow is almost the same thing though.. knowing my daughter is thousands of miles away in university is a scary thing.. I've had to let God deal with that anxiety and calm my fears and doubts.

I do know and believe one thing... He gives us the strength to bear whatever He allows us to experience. I think its okay for you to be anxious.. its natural, but handing over that anxiety to Him and saying I trust in You is part of the growing in faith, the leaning on Him when we cant go on ourselves.

I'm praying for you my friend... and your daughter... I pray for strength, for healing, for faith to be doubled. Its funny, but I never knew the depths of faith I could have until God walked me through some of the fiercest fires of trial.

God be with you Tami... know that your friends have you enfolded in their embrace... we've got your back and He's got you and Hazelnut in his arms.

Love & Hugs

"Ima" said...

Sarah thank you so much for your encouragement and sharing your own struggle with this. Your words have ministered to me this morning. I think one thing with all of this is at times I feel guilty for my level of anxiety, because the little Hazelnut isn't that sick-whatever she has is really mild-it's just a mystery to the doctors. It's those awful beeping machines that help fuel my anxiety. Just when I begin to relax and pray, the durn enemy sets one off!:) Thank you for again for your words. I'm amazed at your faith and looking forward to learning more about your journey and what God has taught you through it, the blessings that you have come to see. See you over at your blog.

"Ima" said...

Lisa Maria-thank you for your wonderful comment. It was such a blessing to me this morning when I read it. It makes me love this blogging community even more. The reminder that you guys have my back and are hugging me even across the ocean is so encouraging. And thank you for the reminder that He holds us in His arms-thinking of that today.

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