Wednesday, July 27, 2011

In The Quiet

It's quiet in my house with only the sound of a dog snoring and a cat purring. My eyes are tired, contacts stinging. Not sure why I don't just take them out and put on my glasses. I'm sitting in a chair missing the Other Nut and Peanut. They are away on a mission trip together creating wonderful memories together.

I've been a little absent lately. Just kind of blah I guess. The doctor called one day. Judy Moody is a little frustrated, OK she was a lot frustrated, and the Weeping Willow just wanted to cry.

"Your hormones look great. I really don't understand why you are having these symptoms. Everything looks great."

For. Real. How can a woman bleed for 2 weeks, stop for 2 weeks, bleed for 2 more, and continue this pattern for 7 months, and everything be fine? How can one wake up completely drenched in sweat and everything be fine? How can my hair be falling out in hand fulls and everything be fine? Oh Judy Moody wanted to scream. No answers, plus bleeding and cramps, can leave a woman feeling a little discouraged and grumpy. And then the Weeping Willow shows up and cries.

So back to the drawing board as to what is going on. After some research and talking with my endocrinologist, I will take my results to my Lyme doctor. We are thinking that maybe that is the cause. All of my symptoms are seen in Lyme patients as well. Praying this Lyme clears up. I am now considered chronic, going on 2 years this August.

Trying to be thankful that my case, although chronic, is still considered somewhat mild from what I read others going through. Trying to be thankful that things "look great" with my hormones, and that I'm not anemic, but having a hard time, because quite frankly, I'm tired of bleeding.

I guess I'm getting just a really small glimpse into the poor woman in the Bible. I understand why she put it all the line to reach out and touch Jesus. She was desperate and at the end of herself. He was all she had. He was her last hope. 

And I find myself wishing that I could reach out and touch Jesus too. I tell myself that I would push through the crowds to get to Him. And yet I can touch Him. He is all I have, and He is my hope. Jesus' power didn't stop when He no longer walked the earth.

But am I at the end of myself really? Am I as desperate as she was? I want to be, because I think that is where Jesus wants us.

I finished up a class I taught with my best friend, and when I got finished, there was a release. One of those "sit down and just take a deep breath" releases. The release coupled with my discouragement left me with a feeling, but I'm not quite sure how to describe it yet. Maybe reflection? Maybe insecure? Restless? Unknown? Not seen? I can't seem to put my finger on it just yet.

And in some ways that is OK. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying not to run ahead of Jesus, but instead follow. I have been enjoying the silence, sitting in my chair just thinking and reading. I have been reading Lifestories by Mark Hall. No commentaries, no Bible encyclopedias, no in-depth study of the Greek word, nothing that would look, on the outside, educational in nature.

And yet, I have been learning. God has shown up in the pages of this book that I bought for casual reading. I love that God does that, shows up in every situation, in the everyday, in the casual.

When we least expect it, God shows up and whispers His truths to us.  We just have to look for Him.

And so in my discouragement I sit in my chair, trying to figure out all of the other feelings that are running through my body. I read, listen to worship music, and hopefully listen to Him.

I'm sitting, not only in my chair, but in grace; a grace that doesn't want me to stay in this discouragement, but says it's OK to be. And so I will be right now, trusting that I will not always be here, in this discouragement.


My daily walk in His grace! said...

Hi Tami - sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'm praying for you, for God's provision for your healing and yours and your daughter's health, as well as some peace and rest. Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.
God bless

Stacie said...

My heart goes out to you today, as it does to anyone with chronic conditions. I love the hopefulness that hangs just on the edge of your voice, that it WON'T always be like this. Praying for you...

Jen said...

I pray that in every moment, the grace will wash over you, renewing you. I pray that the intimate moments with the Father are sweet, that your hope remains in Him. I pray for recovery, for healing, for the reaching out...

H.E.R. Impressions said...

Prayers for grace and healing, my sister.

Lisa Maria said...

Oh Tami.. I'm sorry you didn't get the answers you seek. I will continue to pray for you to have the grace and strength to endure.

I guess there are no words I can say..I've been in that place where it seems the burdens will crush you.. His hand always reached out to ease those burdens. You are in His Hands.. capable, powerful Hands. I pray that you continue to trust in Him.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kristin Bridgman said...

I will pray for you too!

Kathleen @ Kath Ink said...

What honest searching you have written here, making more real for me the woman who bled and reached out to touch Jesus. May you keep reaching and may you feel the comfort and peace that passes understanding in the midst of this trial.

Anna said...

Hope you find some answers soon. And reading a good book like that just sounds delicious. God indeed shows up in the everyday, even in our chairs of discouragement... there seems to be a theme running in a few blogs I've read today of how discouragement won't last forever. I need reminders, too, that it isn't a forever place. Take care, my friend.

Debbie said...

I feel so guilty because it's your own discouragement that lead to this post which served as great ENCOURAGEMENT to me.

I will add to my prayers that you find the hem of the garment regarding the bleeding and all the other familiar symptoms that you are suffering.

"Ima" said...

Thank you to everyone for you sweet words and prayers. I do cherish your bloggy friendships and smile when I read your comments, knowing that people all over are praying for me and my little Hazelnut. And I am thankful and honored if my struggles stand as an encouragement to you all. That has always been a desire of my heart-that God would use my struggles to encourage others. Thank you again my friends.

Laura said...

Oh, Tami,
I've been praying for you and your sweetie-pie. You've been on quite the journey. I can't imagine how weary this must be. The sisters are lifting you up, sweet friend. Hugs to you.

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