Friday, August 19, 2011

Psalm 16:5

"I know of no greater simplifier for all of life. Whatever happens is assigned. Does the intellect balk at that? Can we say that there are things that happen to us that do not belong to our lovingly assigned "portion" ("This belongs to it, that does not")? Are some things, then, out of the control of the Almighty? Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. A quiet heart is content with what God gives."

Elisabeth Elliot

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Letting Go of A Dream

Have you ever had to let go of a dream? I'm sure you have, because I'm sure that is just part of life, this letting go of dreams.

I've had to let go of several, none really major, but there was still that letting go process I had to do, that wrestling with if I thought it was fair or not. And usually I determined that it was not.

But like people say-life isn't fair is it? Or maybe the one your mom said to you is, "the fair only comes to town once a year."

Knowing that life isn't fair doesn't make it any easier though, letting go of something that you have dreamed of for a while.

I know, because right now I'm having to let go of a dream I have had for many years, a dream I thought I would get to live out. I wanted to live it out. In fact, I was so excited I couldn't wait.

But I guess I will wait. Maybe the timing was all wrong, and I thought it was all right.

I'm sad today. A little bit frustrated and angry. I'm trying to let it go, this dream of mine, but my fingers sure don't want to.

I still have questions. Will I ever get to live out my dream? Are there other parts of my dream that I need to let go, that I won't really live out? And maybe I was all wrong in thinking that this dream was for me?

How I wish I could go back to sleep and dream this dream.

What about you? What dreams have you had to let go? Do you still dream them?

Monday, August 15, 2011

Reaping the Whirlwind-by the Other Nut, part 2

Looking back, no one ever talked to me about pornography – other than a passing comment about how sinful it was. No one ever talked to me about what to do with all those raging hormones in the teen years. No one ever talked to me about growing up to be a man, what that looked like, what it was not. So I learned from Indiana Jones. Remember him? Indy. Rugged. Independent. Whip in hand. From him I learned to keep unsure thoughts and feelings inside because an adventurous loner was admired by both men and women. Other role models came from Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds, and Porky’s. From them I learned that real men can’t control themselves, they chase women, women want men to chase them, and real fun was seeing women naked. Another great role model for me was James Bond - the Roger Moore one. Now he was real slick. Women just threw themselves at him in a never ending stream of sexual liaisons. And why? Because he was handsome, drove cool cars, had grand adventures, and never showed any emotion like fear, regret, or loneliness. And what was the common thread of all these movies? Men portrayed in unhealthy lifestyles with no consequences…No consequences. Let me say it again. They…never…suffered…consequences.

I don’t recall exactly how I began looking at internet pornography about 6 weeks before May 15th, 2008 – what I now call D-day. I do recall the random thoughts that began popping into my head. I remember thinking that I had heard that pornography was so easy to get to on the internet but I had never been tempted to look – until now. It started as a curiosity. “Just click on this here. Do they really make it that easy?” Yes, they do. And then you click away real quick because of the shock – O my gosh, did that just happen? But that image - it gets stored in that special part of the brain right alongside the magazine from 30 years ago. I hate that. And the enemy goes for the kill – the tornado hits. My walls are down, I have no close male friendships, I was far away from God relationally, and I’m alone. Worst place to be. You know when the cheetah gets the gazelle separated from the herd…you know what’s coming…death. Awash in shame, then repeat.

Fast forward to D-day. A day I will never forget as long as I live. That’s the day I learned I wasn’t like the role models. Fortunately (though painfully) consequences hit me square in the face like a 2x4. God, in his severe mercy, broke in that May 15th day through a feisty brunette named Ima. First, the phone call from her while I was at work. The knotting stomach, the mind searching for a place to hide – no place to hide…she knew. Deny. Deny. Deny. Think…think. Cover it up. Play it off. She hung up. O God, what have I done? Is this for real? What have I done? I know now a thimbleful of what Adam and Eve felt falling from perfect relationship with God, “Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked…and they hid…” I blew it. I had to make it right. I left work and headed home unsure of what would happen but knowing I had to face the music.

Thank God for Ima. She refused to cover for me when she discovered my lie. She refused to hide what happened. She refused to be a crutch for me. She screamed from the rooftops “No! Not in my marriage!” She took a hammer to the computer and a hammer to the trust we had built. Some people may say that she was wrong to do that. That she should have accepted that looking at pornography wasn’t that bad – “it’s not like it was a real person.” Or kept it between us to show me respect – “being submissive means letting God deal with him, not you.” Or maybe just accepted that this was the way guys are wired – “guys are just visual so deal with it.” blah blah blah. I’m here to tell you that pornography is straight from the pit of hell. It’s dark, deep, addictive, and like drugs, it won’t let go. I’m here to tell you that I needed that wallop. That wallop was the first dose of reality I had.  And without it – let’s just not go there.

Thanks to Ima calling me on the carpet I turned around and began the chore of climbing back out of this hole - a really hard path – a hole I had been digging my whole life. I had betrayed my wife, my kids, and my God. I had totally blown it. The trifecta of screwing up. I considered crawling away into a hole. Giving up. Confirming to Ima that I was as low-down dirty as she thought I was. But something in me wouldn’t let go of my marriage vow. I vowed through thick and thin, rich or poor, sickness or health. It’s hard to explain, but the truth is that just because I broke the vow didn’t mean the vow was broken. I suppose that’s because it’s a vow before God. And He wasn’t letting go. So neither was I. It was my fault, but that just meant I had to clean up my mess. I chose to fight. Fight for my marriage. Fight for my relationship with God. Fight for a future for my kids.

Linking up with Jen at Finding Heaven

Linking up with Emily at Imperfect Prose

Lay Yourself Low

You woke up in a foul mood yesterday and today, and I really don't like it when you do that. You spew forth your little snippy comments to everyone, because quite frankly, you are sick of people. I know, because I know you. I know you are a loner by nature, that you crave the quietness of the day and night. I know that, if you had your choice, most things you would do by yourself. And its hard when you go long stretches without this quiet, this aloneness so the tension in you rises and explodes out to people around you.

But even though I understand, I don't like when you do it. It doesn't sound nice or loving. It doesn't sound like Jesus to me, and it actually makes me cringe a little. You told my kids that they were slobs, too messy to clean up their room properly and that you were tired of finding things just everywhere. You barked orders at them, and I'm 100% certain that it hurt them. I don't like it when you hurt my kids. It's times like these that really you shouldn't even talk at all, unless, of course, you want to talk to Jesus.

And I know that yesterday you felt weak in the "I feel beautiful" arena of your mind. I saw the look on your face when you went to change for church, the disgust that crept onto your face. I know this is tiring, fighting this at times. It makes your patience thin as your mood darkens a bit.

I know you enjoy time in your house, time where you don't have to go anywhere, time where you can just clean and listen to music; but sometimes you don't get that and it drains you. Staying at home refreshes you.

And when your house is messy, your mind feels messy. Organized surroundings make your brain feel more calm. I get that. Really, I do.

I can see you fighting though. I can see that you don't like it either. That battle between using your words to lift up and not tear down. I saw it in you at church yesterday.

You rode there in a foul mood, but annoyed at yourself at the same time. You took your seat inside the church, and the music started playing. 3 seats over was a man fighting for his life. 2 weeks ago they didn't think he would make it, and now here he was, standing up singing "The Stand". At times, he would have to sit down, but then with renewed strength, he would stand again.

I saw you realize the pettiness of your frustrations and annoyances. Earlier you didn’t feel so pretty on the outside when you looked in the mirror. And now you saw the ugliness in your heart as you looked in the mirror of your heart. The ugliness that causes your peace to be determined by your surroundings instead of allowing Jesus to be your peace at all times. It is this ugliness that causes your words to tear down and not encourage, your frustrations to determine your tone and words.

 And in this realization, you were singing, finding your way to the Cross.

 “So I’ll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all.
So I’ll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.”

 And I know you meant it, but then you got home, and your foul mood returned pretty quickly. It was as if you forgot this process of surrender, this being at the foot of the Cross and the realization of your ugliness; for your ugliness was back.

The only thing your arms wanted to do were be stiff with clinched fists on the end. And your heart? Well, it surrendered to reckless words; for the mouth often shows what’s in the heart.

I know you were disappointed. I watched you trying to go back to that place, that place of surrender, to the Cross. And when you wouldn’t make it, I saw you get back up and try again.

As much as I don’t appreciate you hurting the ones that I love with your nasty words, and your lack of patience, your actions that don’t show Jesus to them, I’m proud of you for trying again and again, for trying to claw your way  back to the place you know you need to be. I’m proud of you for knowing that, left to your own strength, you would never find your way back to this surrender, because your ugliness really is deep, your sin encased around you tightly forming your nutcase.

I’m here to tell you that you will make it back to that place. I’ve seen you do it before. I’ve seen you make it back to the Cross, that place of surrender and praise. That place where Jesus loved you with a love like no other, that place that covers your mess-ups with grace.

Lay low yourself there, at the Cross; for it is because of this place that you can even have anything good in your life, in your heart. Lay low and surrender. Allow Jesus to do what only He can do there. I can’t wait to hear about it, this cracking of your nutcase that wraps itself around you. I can’t wait to see what is under there, the beauty that will emerge in this laying low of self.

Linking up with Michelle at Graceful

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I Think I Missed It

photo source
I don't know if I did the right thing today. You know those times that you realize that maybe you missed a great teaching opportunity? Well, today I wonder if I missed it.

You see, I needed to go to Target and get some gluten free cake mix (which they didn't have), and a new broom ( which they did have). The Walnut asked if he could take some of his money and buy 2 new Ninjago toys which I have to say, I still don't know how I feel about these toys. But that's not the point of my story so I digress.

Anyways, I said, "Yes, sure," as long as he has enough and doesn't get into his savings. So off we go, me, Hazelnut, and the Walnut with $22 in his hands. He is so excited, he can hardly wait. We get our things and head to the check-out lane. I pay for my things, and then he hands his 2 new toys to the lady at the register.

"That will be $22.17 please."

"Oh. I only have $22."

And this is where I think I missed it. I knew he had 17 cents at home to pay me back, and so I handed him 17 cents to cover the cost. And he walked out with 2 new toys, and no really good tangible life lesson. I realized it immediately so we talked about it on the way out. I asked him what he would have done if I wasn't there, because one day I won't be there to give him 17 cents. One day I won't be there to give him anything except the things I taught him.

It took him a while, but he finally got it. He said that he would have to put one back.  And then he asked if he could have them hold one until he could come back with more money.

"But what if you didn't have any more money at home?"

"Well, I couldn't get it."

"And so you would have to put one back and not get it at all right?"


But I just don't know if he really got it by just a conversation. I think he would have learned more if I hadn't given him that 17 cents, made him put one back, and then wait until we could return.

I think I missed it today.

What about you? Would you have given the 17 cents?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Sowing the Wind-by the Other Nut

When I started my blog, I knew I would be telling my story about my marriage that survived pornography. I see it as a story that could have had an unhappy ending, but thanks to God, the ending is still being written, and I love every page of my story.

But I also knew that it wasn't just my story to tell. It is God's story, and it is also the Other Nut's story. While I was dealing with the aftermath of the landmine of pornography, as well as other things in my life, the Other Nut was also dealing with his own issues surrounding the "whys" and the "how not to fall into pornography" again. Even though I felt like I had been blown to pieces and was left to pick up each little piece I found, trying to put myself back together again, the Other Nut was also putting himself back together again. Honestly, he was just as hurt as I was.

I never wanted this blog just to be my heart experience with pornography. I also desired that he would eventually share his heart. I wanted his voice to be heard, and our story to be told from the perspective of the one who fell into the trap of pornography-and became free from it's snares. I am so proud of him. I know this wasn't easy for him to do, but he did it, because he believes so strongly in talking about the dangers of pornography and how damaging it is.

I will be posting a series of small posts that he has written, and I hope to have him write more. I do hope that his part of our story to restoration blesses you.

Sowing the Wind

It may surprise you to know that pornography is a $14 billion business in the US. That was based on data from back in 2004. It’s probably double that now. It may also surprise you that 67% of men in their 20’s and 30’s regularly look at pornography – see the stats here. I have heard that those numbers are similar inside the church and that at least 30% of pastors have looked at pornography in the past year. This means that odds are, if you are a guy reading this, then you are probably looking at pornography. If you aren’t, then look around next time you go to church and say – he looks, he looks, he doesn’t. He looks, he looks, he doesn’t. What a staggering thought. I was one of those guys. This is my story. Sow the wind and reap the whirlwind.

My exposure to pornography started when I was about 10 years old. My friend and I found a magazine stashed in an old tire in the vacant lot-turned bike track in our neighborhood – most likely hidden by one of the older kids who constructed the makeshift race track from dirt and old tires. The images from 30 years ago are still there. Someone once told me that traumatic events are stored in a different part of your brain. This is why some things are easy to recall and other things are just fuzzy. Pornography gets stored in this place. I hate that. I knew looking was wrong. I became a Christian at 7. But it was interesting and what was the harm? I had no wife. I had no kids. I was 10.

I had various other exposures to pornography throughout my pre-teen and teen years. Bits of R-rated movies. Times that I was alone with cable tv. The time a friend stole his dad’s magazines and we looked at them in the homemade war trench we dug in an empty field. I distinctly remember knowing those times were wrong as well, but what was the harm? I had no wife. I had no kids. I was 16.

College and early 20’s brought more exposure. However, unlike earlier ages, I now had money, freedom, and aloneness to stir the mind. While connected to many other Christian brothers, this part of my life remained a secret. “You’re the only one who struggles with this” were the satanic lies I bought into. A deep secret shame imbedded itself into my life. There was harm, but it was only me that was hurting, right? I had no wife. I had no kids. I was 21.

My working life after college was my first major reaping of consequences. I now had money and lived in an apartment by myself. Unknown to anyone I visited pornographic stores, massage parlors, and nearly got involved with escort services. It was a dark time. The especially hypocritical thing about this time in my life was that I also hooked up with friends and we started an accountability group. We were pretty blunt with each other about temptation -- but accountability is only as good as your ability to be honest. And while I let those guys into some parts, the darkest parts remained hidden from them. I had no wife. I had no kids. I was 24

I met my future wife in my mid-20’s. Once we moved past friendship and into dating we were very open with each other about our past. We had a tell-all evening where I told her about all the stuff I had seen and done including what I hadn’t told my accountability partners. We cried and fell more in love than ever through that. We had been totally honest. We loved each other. What else did we need? Looking back, we were so na├»ve. We should have dealt with it then. Unfortunately, we thought we had. Our marriage counselor didn’t bring up that issue, and we both bought into a lie, “once you are married, all this temptation will go away.” We thought that our cathartic experience that night sort-of washed all that bad stuff away. And that getting married would kill that part of my life. We got married. I now had a wife. I had no kids. I was 26 and clouds started building on the horizon while all was sunny overhead.

Married life brought 3 kids into our life and a ton of new stresses I was not ready for. Bills, budgeting, mortgage, and maintaining our relationship with 3 kids. My career starting taking off. I was getting lots of positive press at work, being asked to represent the company at events, even being talked about for higher levels of management. All the while my relationship with God was decaying. I let “life” get between me and the Life. I let life get between me and solid male relationships. Despite all that, my relationship with Ima was great. We talked, dealt with issues, loved each other deeply. And she trusted every word I spoke. But I was living a lie and didn’t know it. I was corroding from the inside out. My walls were broken down. The weakness to pornography from all those years was exposed and I was oblivious, deluded into thinking that I could coast through life enjoying my wife, kids, and creature comforts. I had a wife. I had 3 kids. I was 36. And the storm clouds were advancing.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Hard Questions

I wondered if they would come, the hard questions I mean. And they did.

"Mom, why did God make me have this problem? I mean, He just doesn't seem like the type of person that would put me through this. But I do know that He has a purpose, I just don't know what it is. And also, mom. I know that He can heal me right now, but what if He doesn't? I guess I just don't know what my future holds, but I know He has a purpose."

My little mommy heart was just rocking back and forth between sadness and joy. I don't want my little Hazelnut to have to worry about this for the rest of her life. But I also want her to wrestle with these hard questions to grow her faith.

Do we ever stop wrestling with these questions? The "why" questions, because really often times we don't understand the bigger picture, the God-plan for our lives.

And I'm thankful for my little 10 year old's faith, and my heart poured forth joy and thanksgiving as I watched her take communion this morning at church, as I watched all of my children take communion. There is nothing better than watching your kids eat of the bread and drink of the cup, knowing that they love Jesus.

And the little Hazelnut couldn't wait to get there this morning and partake, because "it's so important." Last night she danced around the kitchen, simply excited for church in the morning.

She couldn't wait to see her friends, and as she said, "tell them about the power of God."

While I walked away from the weekend in the hospital feeling traumatized, for lack of a better word, my little Hazelnut walked away with a deeper faith. I can see it. I can hear it in her words, in her constant awareness of God and His power around her.

"Mom, I believe that God made that game break so I could get my sister and brother a toy. If it hadn't broke, I wouldn't have been able to play an extra game and get more tickets. I think God did that for me, mom. He wanted me to get them a toy, and so I did."

"Mom, do you know that I prayed God would help me find a good swimsuit, one that wasn't tacky. And do you know mom, that we did find one."

"Mom, I am. so. excited to go to church. Mom, I get to tell people about the power of God in my life."

She could hardly get to sleep. 

And I remembered my prayer a while back, a prayer that asked God to really show Himself to my little Hazelnut, that she would really see Him and even now at a young age, begin to live passionately for Him.

With Bible in hand, and tithe too, off she went this morning to share about the power of God to a room full of her friends. It was her testimony of a big God that she really saw this weekend. And she didn't forget; His provisions and protection bound to her heart forever.

May this be the start of a wonderful God-story of her life that honors God and lives passionately for Him. 

May I cling to this truth of what He did for her and her faith this weekend when anxiety tries to take hold and steal this joyful truth.

May I choose to see a faith that grew, and a little girl that really saw Jesus.

Have you really seen Him? I mean, really seen Him for all that He is, and all that He does?


Saturday, August 6, 2011


If you can't tell, I change my furniture around quite a bit. Having a blog is no different. I decided I wanted to change my background and such. The Other Nut says he hopes "redecorating" my blog will keep me from always wanting to redecorate the house. Should I tell him that I still want him to redo the hallway with beadboard and new paint? Maybe not.

I still have some "redecorating" of the blog that I would like to do, namely my header. It's just that I'm not header savy. It took me a long time just to do the one I have currently. I won't change the name or the cute little nut, but I would like something different. I'm thinking I'm going to have someone else do it though, because like I said, this is as much as I can figure out.

Any ideas?  

At His Throne

"Oh Lord, Your Word says that we can approach your throne of Grace with confidence, and so I come to your throne in complete confidence in a time of need, and I'm so thankful for what Jesus did on the cross, because that's why I can even approach Your throne, an unholy person approaching a Holy God."

These were the words that kept coming out of my mouth as I prayed over my little Hazelnut as she laid in the hospital bed, too sick to hold anything down and too lethargic to try to eat again.

The guilt began to consume me, guilt that said that I had done this to her, because I had agreed to this test as a means of diagnosing her condition. It was a guilt that said I was hurting my own daughter, and I began to wonder if she even needed this dumb test.

With the guilt came fear and anxiety. Fear that she wasn't going to pull out of this one. It was a fear that grew, because no one was listening to us, and we felt like we were fighting with the medical team to even hear us. As fear began to wrap itself tighter around my body, my panic grew, and I could physically feel it. My body began to shake as I felt helpless in this time of waiting.

So I did the only thing I knew to do-I went to His throne. And I sat. There was nothing else I could do. The glucose drip was finally running. God had intervened. All I could do was wait.

So, knees bent and met a cold, hard hospital floor while arms rested on a blue cushion that would also be my bed. And in this moment, I was at His throne. Eyes shut and walls faded away to the peace and majesty of a Mighty God's throne. His Word before me as my fingers stroked the pages, the same fingers that stroked little Hazelnut's hair. There's something about simply touching God's Word. With each stroke, the Word would pour out in prayerful pleas to hear my cry.

It was here and only here, at His throne, that I found peace and the shaking stopped. It was here that honest struggles of trusting God came forth from my lips. I wanted to trust Him with her, the very one that laid in the hospital bed sick, the one that I hold so tightly to; but, "it's hard," I said.

And He said, "I know, my child."

"All I can do is sit here and wait. This waiting? It's hard, Lord."

"But in this waiting, you can sit at My throne, and you can pray. In this waiting, you can learn to trust more. And you can worship me in this waiting."

So with knees still bent to cold floor, the majesty of His throne before me, I prayed, I wrestled with trust, and I worshipped, hands held high to "How Great Is Our God".

So much happened in the waiting at His throne. A throne that I can approach with confidence, because of Jesus. 

And this throne of the Mighty God? It's anywhere where knees are bent and hearts are turned to Him, even in the darkness of a hospital room with cold floors and blue cushioned beds.

I wonder why I get lost on my way there so many times. May I find my way back to His throne everyday, anxiety or no anxiety.  

May you also find your way back to His throne everyday.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Doctor Just Called

The doctor just called, and they think they might know what is causing these episodes in my little Hazelnut. They will do further blood testing on Wednesday the 10th. They are looking into something called "very long chain fatty acid disease" or VLCAD. It is DNA mutation so all family members will be tested. Please be praying for wisdom for the doctors, further healing, and answers. Pray for peace for me and the Other Nut. I am still tired from the stay at the hospital, mainly emotionally, as I felt like we had to fight for her treatments to get her well. Praise God that He ended up doing the fighting! Thank you again for praying.

Update: Well, I did some research, because I'm always searching for more information. I'm a question asker. Probably shouldn't have done that as my anxiety is now climbing. If anyone out in blogland has experience with this disease, I would love to talk.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

He Answers Prayers!

It is with great thankfulness and praise that I write this update. I am humbled by this blogging community and my church community that lifted up my family this weekend in prayer. I am forever grateful for my best friend that immediately took my other 2 children the whole time we were in the hospital so that both the Other Nut and I could be there for Hazelnut. I am forever grateful for my mom that came to the hospital at 2 a.m. to be with me when the Hazelnut got really sick, because sometimes, no matter how old, you just want your mommy. I am amazed at the outpouring of love on my family from people that only know us from blogland, and the excitement on Hazelnut's little face when I shared with her that people all over the world were praying for her. At first, she didn't understand how they would know until I reminded her of my blog and other bloggers I had met. I am thankful for the very specific answered prayers that we got to experience this weekend. Tears filled my eyes when I heard my little Hazelnut tell me that she could see God working and helping her through her time at the hospital.

And so it is with great joy that I write this post, not only to update you on how she is doing, but to also share with you how God answered our prayers, and your prayers as you lifted us up to God. This is a post to stand as a reminder of the faithfulness and power of our Mighty God. This is a post to say thank you from the Nutcase household. (This will probably be a long post, but God worked a lot this weekend, and I don't want to leave anything out.)

First, we are home and the little Hazelnut is back to her usual spunky little self. Praise God for that. She had a great night and woke up just fine this morning.

What the Hazelnut had to have was a forced fast, or a glucose challenge test. The main reason was to see a correlation between her sugar levels and her ketone levels. She never showed signs of hypoglycemia or diabetes, but would have episodes of dumping ketones which if too high can be damaging to the body. They were trying to figure out why she would dump ketones so easily, especially since she never had any evidence of low blood sugar. They figured if they could have her go into ketosis in the hospital, they could get all of the blood work done immediately to get accurate readings. Other times, we would have to drive 45 minutes, wait to get blood drawn for labs, and all the while I would be feeding her which would make the tests less accurate. The doctors really needed to see exactly what her blood sugar was doing at the exact moment she became ketotic.

However, once she became ketotic, they still wanted to continue the fast forcing her body to a blood glucose level of 45 to see what other issues were there. I didn't completely understand their reason behind this since this didn't happen to her normally-it felt like it wouldn't be a natural situation for her so I didn't understand how that would give them accurate information as to her specific problem. The Other Nut and I didn't feel comfortable about this for numerous reasons and kept pushing for a good explanation from the doctors. They finally agreed to give her regular saline in her IV over night, running very slowly. That made me feel a little bit more comfortable, but not much more. Our concern was that while she slept again after going so long without food, her ketones would continue to rise without us knowing what effect they were having on her body. At this point, they were only doing labs every 3 hours.

We agreed to continue for a while, knowing that the Other Nut and I would be checking her ketone levels ourselves with our meter we brought from home. It is accurate and is only a finger prick, just like a glucometer. But, we also sent out a prayer request to many and prayed ourselves that God would intervene if needed. We weren't sure what the right thing to do was so we decided to let God decide. "Please, Lord, intervene if needed. Stop this test when needed."

About 30 minutes later, the nurse walked in with the doctor and told us that Endocrinology had just called and decided to stop the test at midnight. The doctors didn't even know why they were stopping-they just decided to stop. It was currently 10:40 p.m. at this time. Praise God! Less than 2 hours to go. We knew God had intervened.

Labs were drawn at 11 p.m. and at midnight, they came in to draw the final labs and wake her up so she could eat. At this point, she all of a sudden was very hard to wake up and very lethargic-ketones can make you really sick when they get too high. I truly believe that if she had gone until 2 a.m. to have labs drawn, she would have been in great danger.

After they tried to wake her up and get her to eat, I asked if they could please start an IV with glucose in it to at least start getting her some glucose in her system. She was so lethargic and didn't want to eat much. At first, the doctor said no, she just wanted her to eat regular food. I told her I wasn't sure if that would work, because she was already so sick. She again said no that we could just give her a few sips of sprite, and she could go back to sleep. Everything in me knew that wasn't a good thing, because we have seen her do this so many times. We have seen what works with her before to pull her out of an episode. We again quickly prayed that God would intervene. The doctor came back and said that she would give her an IV with glucose, but she wanted her to still eat and drink. She would only put the IV at what they call half-maintenance.

They started the IV, and we gave her some sips of sprite and a little bit of food. Within 15 minutes, she was vomiting and very tired and pale. She vomited again 2 more times in about 20 minutes. We knew she wouldn't be able to keep anything down until her ketones dropped to a certain level. Again, we had seen it too many times. They gave her some medicine, and we had about 4 nurses in the room working on her with the doctor near by.

I asked the nurse if they could please switch the order to full maintenance on her IV since she obviously wasn't able to eat, and she just wanted to sleep because of the exhaustion and lethargy from the ketones. She said no, that this is what the doctor had ordered, that she didn't even think she even needed it, and was just doing it to make us happy.

The Other Nut and I took her levels with our own meter, and her ketones were 3.7-a positive ketone reading is considered 0.6 or above! So we did the only thing we knew to do at that time-we immediately prayed that God would give her the fluids she needed. About an hour later, she nurse walked back in and said the endocrine team had called and decided to up her fluids to full maintenance. Again, no one could say why they did that. Even the doctors that decided it-they just said "why not". Once again, God had intervened in only a way that He can.

The Other Nut and I started taking her readings and slowly they began to come down. With every reading we would just say "Thank you Jesus!" We began writing it on the white board in her room just to see it. With glucose running, she was sleeping good, and her levels were going down. She had stopped throwing up.

When she woke up in the morning, her levels were 1.9. They weren't moving any lower, but she was at a place that she could at least try to eat. She slowly began eating, and God answered another prayer-she held down all of her food and drink. We also sent out a prayer that her levels would go down to normal. We wanted to see them below 0.4. The very next reading we took after sending out this prayer, we got a reading of 0.3! Again, we just said "thank you Jesus"!

One other prayer that God answered is one that I am just so thankful for. When we prayed over her after my mom got there, my mom prayed that the little Hazelnut would know and remember what God would do tonight. After we got home and shared everything with her and the other kids, she told me that she could see that God was working through her time with ketosis. Praise Jesus for her seeing God work in her life. May she remember it as a time of His faithfulness.

We don't have any results yet, and I'm not sure when we will hear anything. But I do know that God heard your prayers, and I'm so thankful for that. I know the Hazelnut is too-she told me so. So thank you for standing in the gap for us, for going before a Mighty God on our behalf. May this post bless you with the reminder of the God we serve. May you today give Him thanks!

We took a picture of the board where we wrote down the levels as they were going down. What a great reminder!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Quick Update

I don't have the time or energy to do a really detailed update so this will be quick. Please keep praying. Last night was very rough. My little Hazelnut got really sick from the ketones. It was a scary night that drove me to my knees for a long time. Please pray for her to have energy and her ketones to go down. We really need them to go down to normal. She needs to be able to keep food down as she threw up 3 times last night. Please keep praying-hopefully I will update with more detail later. Too tired right now and scared and anxious. Thanks!

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