Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Where's and the Why's

I'm lonely here in the new city. I guess that is to be expected, but I didn't really know how it would feel-I've never moved away before. It's a different kind of loneliness. It is one that says "you have no friends here". And I actually do like my alone time-a lot in fact. But when you have no choice, because you can't call someone to meet for lunch, a different feeling sets in. I really miss my friends and family, but when you have such wonderful friends and family like I do, am I really surprised?

I feel lost, almost like I don't know what to do with myself. And I'm so blah that really I probably shouldn't be blogging, because I will probably just sound like I'm whining; but I'm going against my better judgment (because I don't have any "better judgment" right now anyways) and blogging.

Oh yeah, I almost forget why I even started this post (because of the whining). I was going to explain the where's and why's of my blogging sabbatical. Well, it all started with a class. You see, I had signed up to take a seminary class (something I had wanted to do for a long time), and then I started feeling like the Other Nut didn't really support me like I thought he did. Taking a class with 3 kids was definitely going to take the support of the whole family and so I dropped the class. And the dropping of the class, I realized how mad I was at the Other Nut-he was standing in the way of my dream. And my anger with him scared me. How could I be a good Bible teacher and hold such anger towards my husband if I felt he got in my way?

I immediately began to look at everything I was doing, blogging being one of them. I wanted my blog to be our story, not just mine, and he had started writing some posts from his perspective. But I was also spending a lot of time on my blog at night instead of with him. These two things combined just made me stop and pull back. I felt like I just needed to be willing to give it up without getting so angry at the Other Nut. So I just released it and didn't even really read other blogs. I went on a major blogging fast if you will.

And then life threw a curve ball, and I didn't even have time to blog or read. Right after this, I even began to feel like God wanted me to even stop teaching to our women at church. This one I couldn't understand at all. This was my one passion and why I wanted to take classes. I was (and still am) truly confused, but then it all became clear to me when I realized we were moving. And if you have ever moved, especially in the middle of the school year with 3 kids, you know that life becomes crazy during this time. All of my time was devoted to the whole animal called moving. I'm still waiting for this animal to take a hike.

Now during this time, I blocked my blog for a while. No one could get to it. I wasn't blogging anyways so I figured "why not". But the real reason was that something had happened that made the Other Nut and I feel like we had to look over our shoulder everyday. It was a strange feeling. I'm sure the stress of moving didn't help. I began to feel like I had this great need to protect my privacy and family,and I didn't want anything available to the public. I'm sure it was slightly irrational, but like I said, I wasn't blogging anyways, so I just turned it off. Things have blown over with this situation, and we don't live in the same city anyways so I figured it was safe to blog again-well unless I keep blogging under my current emotional and mental conditions (and since I don't see them completely changing immediately, blogging might be dangerous).

Well, there you have it-the fascinating where's and why's. I'll close for now, but I'll post again about the whole moving to a new city thing. And I'll try not to sound whiny, try being the operative word.  

Friday, February 10, 2012

prayer needed

please pray for my son aidan. he hit his head and has a concussion. we are in our new city so we don't know anyone right here. he is doing OK but please keep praying that there will be no more problems. also in the process of running for the phone i slipped and broke my finger. please pray for peace and healing. we are scared and feel alone here. i'm ready to go back home.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

So It's Been A While

So it's been a while-almost 6 months in fact. I actually wondered if I forgot how to post something. I will probably start blogging again, although not sure how frequently as many changes are happening in my life. I want to start blogging again as I think I need it, especially right now. I do miss the blogging friends I had made while I was blogging regularly. I will eventually write about why I stepped back from blogging, but for now I would greatly appreciate your prayers

because in 6 days we are moving.

I am moving from a city I have known for 37 years where all of my family and dearest of friends are to a city where I know not a soul. I feel all sorts of emotions, but some of them I haven't let myself feel fully. I'm afraid I won't be able to breathe. It all seems so surreal, and as the days count down, the weight is heavy. There are so many unknowns, and at times, I feel like a stranger in my own skin.

The Other Nut has already been living there for 3 months. He has been coming home on the weekends which is nice, but it's getting old. It isn't the best marriage builder in the world that's for sure. I don't want to give the wrong impression with that statement-we are doing fine and looking forward to being a family again. It's just that recently I have realized that we aren't as connected. I kind of feel like I don't know him as well right now which I think is normal because of the distance. He's doing his thing up there during the week, while I'm trying to do mine here. We haven't had any dates for a while and talking on the phone just isn't the same. Plus, I think we both feel so disjointed, like we are living a dream that we are just treading water right now. This process of moving has been so busy with many ups and downs that I think we are just so ready for it to be over. And yet, at the same time, we don't want it to end, because that means separation from so many people that we love so dearly. It's a strange place to be. There will be more blogging about this process, this total change in our lives, as I have so many feelings and thoughts about this journey.

But for now, I ask for prayers. Our roots run deep here.

Many blessings,


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