Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Where's and the Why's

I'm lonely here in the new city. I guess that is to be expected, but I didn't really know how it would feel-I've never moved away before. It's a different kind of loneliness. It is one that says "you have no friends here". And I actually do like my alone time-a lot in fact. But when you have no choice, because you can't call someone to meet for lunch, a different feeling sets in. I really miss my friends and family, but when you have such wonderful friends and family like I do, am I really surprised?

I feel lost, almost like I don't know what to do with myself. And I'm so blah that really I probably shouldn't be blogging, because I will probably just sound like I'm whining; but I'm going against my better judgment (because I don't have any "better judgment" right now anyways) and blogging.

Oh yeah, I almost forget why I even started this post (because of the whining). I was going to explain the where's and why's of my blogging sabbatical. Well, it all started with a class. You see, I had signed up to take a seminary class (something I had wanted to do for a long time), and then I started feeling like the Other Nut didn't really support me like I thought he did. Taking a class with 3 kids was definitely going to take the support of the whole family and so I dropped the class. And the dropping of the class, I realized how mad I was at the Other Nut-he was standing in the way of my dream. And my anger with him scared me. How could I be a good Bible teacher and hold such anger towards my husband if I felt he got in my way?

I immediately began to look at everything I was doing, blogging being one of them. I wanted my blog to be our story, not just mine, and he had started writing some posts from his perspective. But I was also spending a lot of time on my blog at night instead of with him. These two things combined just made me stop and pull back. I felt like I just needed to be willing to give it up without getting so angry at the Other Nut. So I just released it and didn't even really read other blogs. I went on a major blogging fast if you will.

And then life threw a curve ball, and I didn't even have time to blog or read. Right after this, I even began to feel like God wanted me to even stop teaching to our women at church. This one I couldn't understand at all. This was my one passion and why I wanted to take classes. I was (and still am) truly confused, but then it all became clear to me when I realized we were moving. And if you have ever moved, especially in the middle of the school year with 3 kids, you know that life becomes crazy during this time. All of my time was devoted to the whole animal called moving. I'm still waiting for this animal to take a hike.

Now during this time, I blocked my blog for a while. No one could get to it. I wasn't blogging anyways so I figured "why not". But the real reason was that something had happened that made the Other Nut and I feel like we had to look over our shoulder everyday. It was a strange feeling. I'm sure the stress of moving didn't help. I began to feel like I had this great need to protect my privacy and family,and I didn't want anything available to the public. I'm sure it was slightly irrational, but like I said, I wasn't blogging anyways, so I just turned it off. Things have blown over with this situation, and we don't live in the same city anyways so I figured it was safe to blog again-well unless I keep blogging under my current emotional and mental conditions (and since I don't see them completely changing immediately, blogging might be dangerous).

Well, there you have it-the fascinating where's and why's. I'll close for now, but I'll post again about the whole moving to a new city thing. And I'll try not to sound whiny, try being the operative word.  


Debbie said...

Oh my dear blogging friend, I understand this post more than you know. I actually remembered that your last post was about losing a dream and so I had prayed for you during this time when I would see your blog name on my roll.

As I said, I get this. I pray that you will find the balance and the answer.

Lisa Maria said...

Hi Ima

So sorry that you are going through this. I've missed your sense of humour and I was truly worried about what your situation might have been. Keep your chin up...God doesn't close doors without opening windows. I hear you about the dream thing. Sometimes what we want for ourselves is not what God wants for us and its hard. There's a reason for this and, though I can only imagine how difficult it must be, it too will pass. I pray you get to meet some Godly women who can encourage you.

Hope to hear more from you.

Love & Hugs

Janice C Johnson said...

I've missed you! I read your Feb. 2 post, too, and know about that "treading water" feeling.
Blessings on you and your family. I wish you were MY neighbor!

Christy said...

Missing you today and just found out you are blogging again :) I understand your privacy concerns especially when it comes to protecting family...I too struggle with that, which is why sometimes I delete my posts within minutes of writing them. Writing is a joy to me and a way to release emotionally...whether or not it needs to be public I don't know, but some times we touch others that are going through similar things. Love you and miss you.

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