Thursday, November 1, 2012

I Spoke Too Fast

(Clarification of this post-I must clarify that the part about me missing my best friend's smell is a compliment; maybe weird on my part, but a compliment none the less. You see, smells are important to me. They invoke memories, good and bad, and so I love smells. I always have. Well, not necessarily bad smells which brings me to the reason for my clarification. My best friend doesn't smell in the bad sense smell. She has a good smell; from her laundry detergent to just to her regular smell. So what I'm saying is that, Beth, you don't stink :) Yeah, I know I'm weird, but that didn't need clarification. We are all fully aware of that.)

 Well, since my last post, all things were just peachy. Summer was in full swing, and all was good. And it really was, good I mean. I had a great revelation that I was missing so much joy and beauty around me. Our door was revolving as visitors from back home came and went.

But then summer ended, and with that, reality set back in. I took about 10 steps back and found myself depressed again. The weight of the loneliness and loss was suffocating. It still is. Commitments have been forgotten, and emails have gone unanswered. A lot of hard things are going on. Many of my dearest friends back home are going through some really tough things, and I'm stuck here. I can't be there for them, and they can't be here for me. I, of course, am speaking of physically being here or there. Sure, we can talk and write. And surely, we all know that prayers span the globe. But I am learning that there is something about the physical. I miss my friends' hugs, their tears they cried with me, and I miss just seeing them. (and yes, Beth, I still miss your smell-it was comforting) I realized that in great depth when I saw my sister, mom, and dad. As my sister crossed the ball field, I just started crying, because I was actually seeing her with my eyes, not just hearing her voice.

There is something about being present.

I remember the time, just recently, for the first time since moving that I asked somebody in person to pray for my sweet little Hazelnut. I had already emailed my family and friends back home to pray, knowing they would immediately start praying. But when I walked away from that person, it felt so good. I had to hold myself back, because I wanted to just ball my eyes out and hug her. I'm sure that wouldn't have gone over too well, as I already feel like I don't quite fit in here.

And that is a bit hard, because I want to be known, messiness and all.

Right now, I'm unknown. I don't know about you, but being unknown is lonely.

Oh, I know there is One that knows me fully. But to be honest, I'm a bit upset with Him. I'm pushing back a bit, even though I know He is who can fix my brokenness. But I am. It's just where I'm at.

So I figured I would try to claw my way back even though I don't really feel like it. Living in a hole right now feels much better. I have a lot of feelings and thoughts floating around in my head, many which aren't that great, that need to be written down. I figured I would start writing every evening about my day; my thoughts, my feelings, my attempts at clawing my way back, my failures. The writing at times might be raw, because, well, I feel raw. And I might not write every night since I'm trying (for migraine reasons and sleeping reasons) to not spend too much time on the computer-but I will try. We'll see how it goes.

Here's to clawing my way back.

1 comment:

Lisa Maria said...

I was just thinking about you today and its such a coincidence that I saw this post of yours...especially since I haven't been reading my blogroll all that often. I could have completely missed it. I'm sorry things have been so tough...I know what you mean about being kind of mad at God. I've been there myself and it was hard coming back. Anyway still thinking of you and praying for you my friend. Take care.

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