Friday, March 1, 2013

Today sucks. Yeah, I said sucks, but oh well. I don't really have another way to describe it. I'm frustrated beyonds words right now (well, apparently not too much or I wouldn't be typing, but you get the idea). And when I get really worked up, it gets my vertigo and migraines going. Fun times. That alone should stop me from getting worked up, but it doesn't. I guess I just like living on my yacht at times. That's what I call my vertigo, because it is the kind that feels like I'm rocking on a boat, and I figure it might as well be a yacht. But I'm totally not fond of the ocean or really any body of water so I hate being on my yacht. I guess I should just calm down. I'm trying. I tore apart my closet to try to calm down, but the vertigo was too much so I had to stop until later. No, I didn't tear it apart just because I'm frustrated. That would be bad and probably make the Other Nut not so happy. We are tearing it apart to make it into an office for me to study in, because I keep telling myself that one day I will apply to take some classes at DTS and maybe if teach and speak again. I'll probably just end up with a cute office to pile junk in, but the closet already has junk in it so why not make it cute.

I know some of why I'm frustrated-it's something that just won't go away, no matter how hard I try to make it go away. Really God? You can't just make this problem go away. I've tried to obey authority, respect wishes, blah, blah, blah-and yet, it's still there. Even moving didn't work. Man, what is it going to take?! Oh, you mean actually be mature about it and healthy about it? Yeah, you would have to throw that in. You always do don't you; be mature and healthy about things even when it hurts. UGH! But I don't want to be. I want to throw a temper tantrum and kick and scream. Oh wait. I did. Hence the vertigo and migraine. Maybe that is why I still struggle with vertigo-a reminder of me getting worked up about this stupid life and not resting in You.

Nice! I just heard one of my cats puke. I don't really like having them anymore if you get the idea. Maybe it's time they get some terminal illness.

I'm frustrated for other reasons as well, but of course, You know what they are. I don't get it God. Why am I here? Why does it seem like that everyone else is still doing what they love, and I'm not. Every where I look, someone seems to still be doing what they love. Well, really I'm mainly talking about teaching, speaking, and writing. It's annoying really.

The bottom line is I'm jealous. Yep, that's right. I'm jealous. I know it sounds pathetic, but it's true.It's not that I don't want them (no one in particular) to be successful. It's just that I still wanted to be doing it too. I've spent all year wondering why You took me out of it. I haven't figured it out yet really. But honestly, I probably haven't been asking the right questions or really listening. You do after all say that if I would seek You with all my heart, I would find You. And I guess with finding You, I would be closer to finding an answer.

I don't like this jealousy though, I can tell You that. It is consuming and choking. I spend so much time comparing myself to everyone else that seems to be doing what I want to do. I spend so much time feeling sorry for myself, because I'm not. And then I get nothing really done. It keeps me from just doing what You want me to do, regardless of what anyone else is doing. It keeps me from really hearing You, because I'm too busy watching what someone is doing. It really is quite captivating, but not in a good way.

I don't know. I guess I will ponder this and write more later. Kids are almost home, and we have tutoring to make it to. Hopefully, this day won't end with "it sucked."

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