Thursday, February 20, 2014

Lemons, Lyme, and More

I don't talk much about my health, or lack of, on this blog; but with so much change, I'm just writing whatever is on my mind-and my health is one of those things.

I have chronic neurological Lyme's disease, chronic vestibular migraines (which give me a great case of vertigo), thyroid disease (although that is the least of my problems), and fibromyalgia. I have some other things, but these are the biggies. These are the ones that cause a slew of symptoms that all intermingle so it is very hard to tell what is causing what some days.

Brain fog, migraines, vertigo, reading problems, concentration problems, depression, anxiety, joint pain at times, muscle pain, and fatigue are my companions. I'm trying to focus on getting better right now, but stress really triggers a lot of my symptoms. I'm looking into essential oils, but find a lot of differing opinions about ingesting them.

I want to get better though. My health has declined a lot with this move. There are days where I don't get really anything done. It makes me feel lazy. The thing with my health problems is that on the outside I look totally healthy; no one would ever guess I had these. Well, except for the days I wear my sunglasses inside places due to the lighting. That is what makes these things hard, the not looking sick; because I worry people sometimes think I'm making it up or acting worse than I am. That is common though with people that have the same health problems. We look normal on the outside, but the inside is a mess.

We got a new water heater today. Ours bit the dust and with 3 girls in the home, hot water and long showers are a norm. It has slowly been dying so the showers have gotten shorter and shorter. We got to where we were rationing the showers-the dirtiest got the shower first. One Sunday, my husband and I pulled the parent card so we could bathe before church.

So tomorrow after everyone goes to school, I'm taking about an hour long shower that is really hot (which will then probably render me useless for the rest of the day).

We also painted my middle daughter's room (okay, my husband did most of it) today. When I can get a picture of it, I'll post it-I know you will want to see it, mom. Just think about my bright, glowing pink bedroom, except in purple. I have to admit, the colors are really not pretty. I know, horrible mother since she picked them out. But I wanted to let her choose. Plus, purple is my least favorite color so it was a lose/lose situation. Anyways, she likes it so I guess that is all that matters. As long as I don't have to see it everyday :)

Mother. of. the. year!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


With so many unknowns, there are a lot of changes happening. One is obviously my blog. While I'm quite the pitiful blogger, I find myself coming back to it occasionally. I also find myself always changing it when I pull it back up. You would think that I would leave it alone, clinging to anything familiar.

But I find myself searching for ways to feel settled with all of the changes so, oddly, I find changing my blog therapeutic. I'm so unsettled that my blog never looks right to me. Also, I am craving simple, uncluttered things, and my blog always looks cluttered to me. I know; I'm an odd bird. How can someone feel cluttered in their mind just from a blog? Well, I just do. So if you notice your button gone or your blog link gone, it's not out of spite or dislike. It's out of the need for survival.

Dramatic? Yes. Somewhat serious? Yes.

Today, I officially clicked the link at my seminary to request a leave of absence. I need the space to breathe and think. I need to just be. I'm waiting for an email that will tell me the other steps to take to make it official. I have a feeling that it will become a permanent leave of absence.

So I totally feel like a drop out loser that just quit. And yet, in some ways, I know it's what I need to do. I find myself rocking back and forth between peace and torment over this decision. I find myself feeling hypocritical as a mom of 3 kids who would love to just quit school-and I tell them they can't while I just did. (and I'm typing this as my middle child is working on homework and saying "I'm never going to get this done.")

I did it. I went to that store and bought an iPhone case-without owning an iPhone. Who spends $40 on a case when they don't even have a phone to put in it? Really? And yes, I'm back in counseling with the infamous Tim (he does counseling by phone). Why do you ask?

Anyways, the case is really pretty. I guess it's my first step to conquering my extreme dislike and fear of technology, specifically smart phones and texting.

But then I read this post from one of my favorite bloggers, and I want to take the pretty little case back and keep my dumb phone-because I realize I'm not. the. only. one!

And then I realize that she seems way more normal than I am from what I can tell from her posts, and I assume her not having a smart phone is not due to the same ridiculous reasons as to why I don't have one-and I find myself back at square one which is clearly to work through my issues.

I would bet that she doesn't own a case with no phone just because it is pretty, or that she is trying to work through some crazed issues with smart phones and texting.

Anyways, It's clear that I probably need to stop writing now before I continue to try to dissect the whole smart phone/dumb phone debate. That's a problem that can't be solved in one post. And how sad that I will most likely bring it up again, because I really am trying to figure out my weirdness and come to terms with it-whatever that result may be.

Off to take my dizzy pills as typing and the lighting makes me feel like I'm on a little boat, then to watch hulu plus in bed, and hope to get better sleep than last night. 4 a.m. is way late, even for this total night owl.

And if there are typos and misspelled words-well, that's just my M.O. now with the dizzy lizzy migraines.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

This and That

I have a lot to say, but my brain is not exactly organized right now. It feels like a jumbled mess of thoughts that seem to make no sense. So, I thought I would start writing again by just writing my random thoughts down.

We have just recently passed our 2 year mark of living in the Dallas area. I wouldn't say that we love it yet, and it definitely doesn't feel like home. I would even be inclined to say that we still don't really even like it. I think we are getting better though.

All of our kids have struggled with the move; each in their own way. But all ways have required counseling. A lot of counseling.

Speaking of our kids, I just looked at the page that has their pictures. I guess it's time to update them. They have grown so much, being that they are almost 3 1/2 years older now. I'll get around to that in about another 3 years I'm guessing.

I owned the newest iPhone for about 16 hours. Then I started to almost break out in hives and have convulsions so I took it back and reactivated my little ol' flip phone. I texted (is that even a word?) about 3 times while I had it, and that was about all I could handle during those 16 hours. I know I'm an odd bird. It was a beautiful phone if a phone can be considered pretty. Part of me still wants it, because I found a really cute case to carry it in from one of my favorite stores. I thought about just buying the case and taping my flip phone to the inside of it. Told you-odd bird.

I applied to seminary, got in, have taken 1 1/2 classes and about to take a leave of absence, with it possibly becoming permanent. I have a lot of thinking to do about if I really want to be there. Maybe one day I will write about my experience, but for now that's all I'll say.

This move has blown up everything I have always thought. Not my foundational faith, but just how I looked at life and lived it out. It's hard to explain really, because it is not like I'm questioning everything I have ever stood for. It's just that I've been stripped of so many things that I feel like I'm basically rebuilding my life. When you are forced to do that, you can't help but double check your blueprint. Back home, I never really questioned much, especially what I thought God wanted me to do. Just read my "about" page-you will see that I always knew what I wanted to do. It never wavered-until I moved. Now, I don't know if God even wants me to do that or if I even want to do it anymore. For numerous reasons, I don't know if I want to be a part of that anymore. Like I said, maybe one day I will expand on what I mean-but only once I feel like I fully understand it myself.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Dinner is ready, and I have rambled enough for now. I'll ramble more later. Maybe writing about nothing will be good for me right now. And I'm not even checking spelling or grammar. Rebel!

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