Tuesday, February 18, 2014


With so many unknowns, there are a lot of changes happening. One is obviously my blog. While I'm quite the pitiful blogger, I find myself coming back to it occasionally. I also find myself always changing it when I pull it back up. You would think that I would leave it alone, clinging to anything familiar.

But I find myself searching for ways to feel settled with all of the changes so, oddly, I find changing my blog therapeutic. I'm so unsettled that my blog never looks right to me. Also, I am craving simple, uncluttered things, and my blog always looks cluttered to me. I know; I'm an odd bird. How can someone feel cluttered in their mind just from a blog? Well, I just do. So if you notice your button gone or your blog link gone, it's not out of spite or dislike. It's out of the need for survival.

Dramatic? Yes. Somewhat serious? Yes.

Today, I officially clicked the link at my seminary to request a leave of absence. I need the space to breathe and think. I need to just be. I'm waiting for an email that will tell me the other steps to take to make it official. I have a feeling that it will become a permanent leave of absence.

So I totally feel like a drop out loser that just quit. And yet, in some ways, I know it's what I need to do. I find myself rocking back and forth between peace and torment over this decision. I find myself feeling hypocritical as a mom of 3 kids who would love to just quit school-and I tell them they can't while I just did. (and I'm typing this as my middle child is working on homework and saying "I'm never going to get this done.")

I did it. I went to that store and bought an iPhone case-without owning an iPhone. Who spends $40 on a case when they don't even have a phone to put in it? Really? And yes, I'm back in counseling with the infamous Tim (he does counseling by phone). Why do you ask?

Anyways, the case is really pretty. I guess it's my first step to conquering my extreme dislike and fear of technology, specifically smart phones and texting.

But then I read this post from one of my favorite bloggers, and I want to take the pretty little case back and keep my dumb phone-because I realize I'm not. the. only. one!

And then I realize that she seems way more normal than I am from what I can tell from her posts, and I assume her not having a smart phone is not due to the same ridiculous reasons as to why I don't have one-and I find myself back at square one which is clearly to work through my issues.

I would bet that she doesn't own a case with no phone just because it is pretty, or that she is trying to work through some crazed issues with smart phones and texting.

Anyways, It's clear that I probably need to stop writing now before I continue to try to dissect the whole smart phone/dumb phone debate. That's a problem that can't be solved in one post. And how sad that I will most likely bring it up again, because I really am trying to figure out my weirdness and come to terms with it-whatever that result may be.

Off to take my dizzy pills as typing and the lighting makes me feel like I'm on a little boat, then to watch hulu plus in bed, and hope to get better sleep than last night. 4 a.m. is way late, even for this total night owl.

And if there are typos and misspelled words-well, that's just my M.O. now with the dizzy lizzy migraines.

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