Monday, May 5, 2014

Giving Up

I've never really given up like this before. I'm usually a fighter, not easily one to quit. Oh I may have my 72 hours of freak out, but I pull myself together and come up swinging.

Now, I just stay down. The bell has rung, the ref has slapped the mat, and the opponent gets his KO.

I no longer even really try to get up anymore. I only get up to do the necessities and go through the motions of somewhat taking care of my kids. I wouldn't say that I'm even good at that anymore. My kids truly have lost the mom they once knew.

There are some things that change you forever-sometimes for the better or sometimes for the worse. I'm in the worse category.

I have found that I have lost all belief in humanity. I find myself not believing people anymore, even their small gestures of kindness. And believe me the gestures are small. I close off, not wanting to be open with anyone. I can't trust them with my heart anymore. My vibe says "don't even try, because I don't believe you anyways." I see inauthenticity everywhere I look.

I have given up on my dream, not wanting to be a part of that community anymore. There are women that have ministries and when they speak or write, I don't believe anything they say. I wonder if they really even care.

I took my girls to an event. There were speakers there. Usually I find myself sad, grieving a lost dream and passion. This time I found myself sitting there not really feeling anything. I thought they said good things, but they weren't things I believe anymore. They were things that left me wondering if the women saying them believed them as well. I remember the weekend for the sweet time with my girls, not really what I heard.

I don't really go anywhere. I stay home a lot, inside a house that doesn't feel like home. I'm trying to make it feel more like that, but decorating/organizing can only fill you up so much when you are alone. I have given up on trying to make friends anymore so I find no need to go anywhere unless out of necessity. In some ways I still long to be known, but I find it isn't worth the pain anymore. My friends are TV characters that I watch as I paint, fold clothes, clean, or lie in bed if I don't feel well.

Emails often go unopened and unanswered. At the end of each day, I realize that I have been on autopilot. I wonder if one day my autopilot will fail, and I will crash and burn.

I look at my kids and grieve for them-they lost the mom they knew. The one they see now everyday isn't the same one as before. This one is lost, her eyes void of anything good.

I often think that maybe I should just start taking an antidepressant so I don't have to feel anything or really care about much. I know the feeling-I've been on them before. I didn't care about anything. The world was rose-colored. I'm getting to where I would rather feel nothing than what I feel now.

My family goes to church without me most times. I find Sundays to be the most depressing of all days. It is the most painful place for me to be. For now, I have given up on the Church. It has been a source of a lot of pain since we have moved. I don't trust it and wonder if it even knows it's purpose anymore.

Jesus? I haven't decided yet on Him.

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