Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Chronicles

I wake up this morning feeling really sleepy, but I manage to get up anyways. There are spots on my back and neck that won't give way so the tightening and pulling continues. I say goodbye to 2 kids and make my way to the car with my oldest kid and oldest dog. I drop off my daughter and stop by chick-fil-a; I promised Addie a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. She's about as spoiled as a dog can be. I order and find myself telling the lady taking my order that the biscuit is for my dog. I tell myself it is because I want her to know how special my dog is (which she is), but it is much more about me not wanting her to think I'm a fat slob ordering 2 things for myself. Yes, I've reverted back to my old thoughts. I've reverted back to a lot of my dysfunction. Dang, I thought I was so much better.

I make it back home where I should immediately be folding laundry-but I'm not yet. I'm thinking about my weekend. It was filled with it's normal "I'm dizzy, exhausted, my head is going to explode" moments, but it had one very sweet moment in the midst of our new not so fun normal.

I had lunch with a friend. I met her in nursing school 17 years ago, and it was so good to sit across from a friend and see her face to face. I left telling myself that I wanted to scream to the world how much a simple lunch can do for someone. I know my friend can't fix me or make me whole-she didn't try. I know my friend can't fill up every part of me-she didn't try that either.

She was just there and gave of herself. We talked about normal things-kids, life, nursing, her work-things that I needed-because they were normal parts of life, and we were sharing that with each other.

If you know of someone hurting and lonely, and you can give of yourself-do it. Don't wait for them to reach out, because chances are they are hurting too much to do much for themselves. Wounds can keep people stuck sometimes.

I could explain more about how much we need each other, but I'll stop rambling and just let you read someone who explains it much better than me. Why reinvent the wheel when it is done so well. It's no secret that I love everything she writes. She can explain things in ways that leave me without words, but never without thoughts swirling around my head. So go now and read this. You will thank me and be blessed. Actually, stay awhile at her site and read everything. Oh, and find the VOTE link on the side, click, and vote for her. Because remember, in my imaginary world, we're friends.

But where was I? Oh yes, Monday (which I'm so behind because it is now Tuesday night). The rest of the day I find myself in meltdown mode. I'm stuck and can't get anything done. The number of projects are driving me nuts as our house is torn apart is so many areas. The kids get home from school, and I instantly lose any patience I did have. I am horrible at home remodeling projects so when I attempt them, they usually don't work and have to be finished by my husband. This of course, leaves me feeling completely useless.

And my head won't.stop.hurting!

Shawn and I talk about my jacked-upness (yeah, totally not a word). I ask him half joking, half serious if he will commit me until I can function in this world like a normal, healthy grown up. We try to boil it all down so I can think about just one thing instead of a million, and he nails it:

I feel like I have no purpose in life. I know I'm a mom and that holds a lot of purpose so I feel the weight of the guilt settle in because it's somehow not enough.

I tell myself it should be; enough that I'm a mom.

But the truth is I'm more than that. We all are. None of us are one dimensional. But right now, that's all I am-and I'm not even good at this one thing right now.

All of this equals up, in my head, to zero purpose.

And that leaves this gal stuck; stuck in an icky, dark place that is lonely. Being stuck sucks.

So with that, I'm off to bed.

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