Yesterday it was Sunday mid-morning. I've grown to dislike Sundays for various reasons. I'm sitting in bed waiting for my family to come home from church.
In about 3 months I'll be 40, and I find myself not knowing who I am more than ever. I don't know what I like or what I believe. The thoughts in my brain swirl around until I can no longer discern what they are. I've had some changes in my life that find me doing many things that I never wanted to do, while so many things that I was passionate about have been put high up a shelf. I can't figure out a way to express myself anymore which makes sense because I don't even really know myself anymore. I'm back to thinking maybe I'll blog more frequently so I've changed my blog again. It's this weird attempt to figure out who the heck I am and use my brain so I change and change and change again my blog. I never like the final results.
But one thing I do know is I'm done with the cutesy little nicknames and such. My name is Tami, my husband's name is Shawn, and my kids are Kayli, Brianna (although we do pretty much always call her Bee), and Aidan. I deleted most of my pages, because I just don't know what to write in "about me"-"Hi, I'm Tami, and I no longer know who I am". No more worries about catchy post titles in hopes that someone will want to read it. No more worries about sticking to a certain theme on my blog in hopes of drawing in more readers; my life is anything but one theme. It's just me and my fingers tapping on the keys.
I always have this sudden urge to just wipe the slate clean and start over, but then I look at my slate and realize it's already empty.
I know; I sound pathetic, but I am. I can admit it. There aren't many things that I know, but I know that I'm pathetic. I know that I am quite unlikable, and many times feel unlovable. I have a bruise on my leg from my fall while snow skiing. The bruise has fascinated me. It has healed faster than normal and for someone that has been chronically sick for a while, that's an improvement.
But you see, my heart is really bruised-and it hurts. Yesterday I cried wondering and worried that it will never get better. It really feels like it won't. People might tell me that Jesus can heal it-but I just don't know if I believe that anymore.